Where are all the men?

I remember an evening, so many years ago. It was around 6, and everybody else was inside my grandmother’s little house. Behind my grandmother's house, was an old hut, with an old lady in it. I used to be so afraid of her because she allowed her goats sleep in her hut with her. All her goats had names, and the black goat shared mine with me. That evening, I stood outside watching her herd her goats into her living room. She smiled a toothy smile at me, and said "My husband built this hut, with his bare hands". She pointed out the few huts left in the compound, she knew when they were all built, whose son or father or husband had built it. She slapped her hands on the walls, "good, strong walls, cool in the heat and warm when cold".

Strong walls, built by strong men. Men that provided for their families with their bare hands, working on farms, fishing or hunting. They provided for their families and when the huts leaked at night, they climbed on roofs and fixed the holes. When things needed to be lifted, they bent their backs and carried loads of unthinkable weights. Many a time, you would see them lifting a woman, an old relative or sick child on their backs. They were men of honour, men of their words. They stood tall beside their families and God save you, you come near their loved ones, they would fight to the last and protect their women and children.

Now, here we are in 2009. The rules have not changed, for us, the women. Do you still cook, clean and wash his clothes? The answer is probably yes. The rules for you will never change; you are the care taker of the home. You will bear his children, feed them and take care of them when sick. You will feed him too, and take care of him and his family too, when sick. You will slave away at the kitchen for his favourite meals and fulfil the one duty he begged of you on your wedding night, that you will never refuse him when he comes to you at nights. You will scratch his back when it itches and rub his feet when it aches, you will do all this with a smile on your face, because, your role, you will play to perfection. That is what he expects, that is what society expects.

Here we are, in 2009 and how the rules have changed for you men! Oh, I do not expect you to build anything with your bare hands, but perhaps, is it possible that you could roll over some paint on just a little section of the wall where your mechanic left his dirty hand prints? Oh my, I don't expect you to climb rooftops and look for leaks, but could you just fix a blocked sink? It is not so hard you know, you just turn that white pipe anticlockwise and remove all the dirt and viola! the water will flow easily again. Some light bulbs need to be changed, is it too much to ask of you? But most of all please protect me. I do not expect you to go about brandishing machetes or cutlasses but when the nights are dark and I need a strong shoulder to lean on, please do not shake like a jelly fish, let me know I can count on you and you are my man.

2009. Nothing has changed for women but a lot has changed for men. Forget about those men of your grandmother's stories that fought with bravery at battles. They no longer exist, what we have now, are pencil pushing men, more likely to run before you even shout for help. Their hands are softer than yours or your babies, their backs straighter than any model’s, their fears, greater than ever before.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

10th wife will not be my portion!

Women don suffer finish for this country oh. Chei! Imagine, if a whole president’s daughter, a young woman, born into a family of wealth, imagine if she self, agree to be fourth wife of old papa, then wetin the rest of us suppose do? No hope for us. Na to begin marry man wey dey over eighty na! We go come be 10th wife. God forbid bad thing! It is not my portion!

The amusing part is that the two principal characters involved in this debacle are men of great power. A president and a governor. A father and a husband. One, thought it fit to marry away his young daughter and the other, happily accepted a young wife. What is my problem, you may ask? After all, in their religion it is totally acceptable.

My problem is that as a woman in this country, I no longer feel safe. If they can treat their “own” in such a manner, then what about the rest of us? If they see their own daughter as “property”, then how do they see you and I? We must be under the category of “recyclable garbage”. I am not even sure we might make it to “recyclable”, we might just be rubbish.

What our leaders fail to realise is that they are the examples we have. They are the people that we look up to, to lead us. The kind of choices they make in their lives affects a whole nation. What kind of message are both men giving other men in the country? Next thing you know, all these old papas will be happily chasing school girls all over the place. After all, if their president thinks it is okay then why not?
No, I do not feel safe anymore. If anybody should ever ask me to visit Aso rock, I shall decline. I advise all young women to keep away from Abuja. That place does not seem to follow the norms of other societies. I am afraid our civilisation may be at risk. We seem to be going backwards and with great speed as well! Before you know it, we shall become “hunters and gatherers” again.

It seems our leaders are bent on convincing us that they live in another world, too far away from ours. We want leaders that live in the present century. We want leaders that understand the important role women have in the society. As long as we have leaders who do not understand this, I am afraid we shall never be able to rise in this country. As long as we have a leader who thinks that marrying a fourth wife is a priority in these hard times, then I am afraid this country is doomed.

P.S:Meanwhile all these governors self, dem dey take woman matter pass government work oh! Na wah.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The Petty Man

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
- Elbert Hubbard

Wonders shall never end. I am never surprised anymore by the way people embarrass themselves on the pages of newspapers. Last time, it was the son of Obasanjo who aired his dirty laundry in public, now it is Alec Godwin, ex-husband of the singer, Kefee who has decided that the public deserves to know all the little inconsequential details of his marriage. Na who tell una say we dey interested?

In an interview published by “The Punch”, dated 31st Jan 2009, this man thought he was doing himself and his family a favour by telling us intimate details of his failed marriage. How petty can you get to give such details? Lest I forget, this man is supposed to be a serious Christian; the son of a Pastor, in fact, he met his ex wife in church. What do you have to gain by revealing details of your personal life? The intention must be to try to tarnish the image of his ex-wife. Surely, a true Christian is not supposed to be that vindictive?

Pettiness is so unbecoming and Nigerian men seem to be the masters of losing dignity the moment something does not go the way they plan. However, it is not only Alec that is guilty of this crime. Many a gentleman have become agberos overnight. I remember even back then in secondary school, I was always baffled by the fact about how easy a young boy would confidently call an ex girlfriend “ashawo".

Many times, I listened with annoyance as the so called ex boyfriend would tell his guys intimate details of his relationship and of course reveal secrets the once "love of his life" told him in confidence. I have watched that scenario unfold many times as a teenager and I have always thought it was because they were young and did not know any better.

However, I now have reasons to believe that a lot of GROWN Nigerian men act like immature fools in situations such as these. Somebody should tell Alec Godwin to keep his skeletons in his closet because we are not interested in seeing them dance!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

No reward for the lazy man

History has been made and I am glad to say that I was alive to see a dream come true. It is not everyday that one gets to see two million people come out in support of a president. It is not everyday that one gets to see millions of people brace a freezing weather just to see a man sworn in as president. I have defintely never seen such public support in my entire life. I would love to think that our independence day must have been like that. Perhaps it was like that. People taking to the streets to dance and welcome a new era of freedom from the colonial masters. Perhaps they too, ignored the weather and came out to show their support for change. Perhaps there has been such a thing as public support in this country. However, if there ever was such a thing, I would not know. In all my years alive in this country, I have never seen it.

That is why I was so jealous. Yes, throughout the ceremony, all I felt was an intense jealousy for the American people. How come, they can achieve all that? Why can’t we do the same? How come, they can choose their own man and we can’t? How come, they can see lively debates between opponents, and we can’t? How come, they can see their presidential candidates work hard in earning the people’s trust and we can’t?

I asked myself all those questions and unfortunately, I could not think of any good reason why we too, can not have the same in this country. Do we not deserve it? Surely, we have suffered enough in this country to start demanding changes. I too, would love to line up for hours and cast my vote without fear. I too, would love to hear inspiring speeches from the candidate I have chosen. I deserve all that and more from this country.

I refuse to have low expectations for this country. If the Americans can do it, then we too, can do it. Abi dem get two heads? They are human beings just like we are. They are no more special than what we are. They wanted change, they worked hard for it, and they got it. That is all there is to it. Without doing the work, we shall never get the rewards. There is no reward for the lazy man.

Worthy to be praised

“It is better to choose the devil you know than the one you do not know” that is what my mother used to say when I was a child. It just meant when faced with two extreme situations, choose the one you know you can handle. Basically, choose “the familiar". While my mum's proverbs were usually about life and philosophy, my father's proverbs were usually about morals "cut your coat according to your size", "don't behave like the joneses", "birds of the same feather fly together", etc.

Being brought up by two people who had strong principles in life meant that I too developed rather quickly, a strong sense of right and wrong. Another favourite of mine, from my mother, was "don't paint the devil on the wall" which meant do not be negative about the future. But this article is not about my mother, or my late father, or being raised by them.

It is about the fact that we have somehow forgotten why we praise people in this country. Do we praise people for achievement? For being a role model? A stand up citizen? For being a hero? For a job well done? Who is worthy to be praised?
I was never praised without a reason as a child. To get praise, I had to do something that was worthy to be praised. Good grades in school, or being helpful in the house, or being kind and decent to all those around me. Nobody praised me if i was naughty or being intolerable. The rules are simple enough. Do something that is worthy of being praised, and you shall be praised.

However, the people we “praise” in this country continue to puzzle me. Now, I do not know how others have been brought up, or what their own parents told them, but the fact that we continue to not only accept corrupt human beings but also praise them, shows very clearly how baseless our values in the society have become. Before we adorn human beings with all sorts of crowns on their head, can we not ask the simple question, “What exactly have you done that is worthy to be praised?”I am constantly astonished about the way we so easily praise dishonest and corrupt human beings in our midst.

Yet, those that live honest lives are seen as “weak”, unable to hustle for their share of the national cake. That is what the small minded would think. Unable to understand, that there are so many people still in this country that hold fast to principles and morals. The same ones we were ALL taught as children. These people are the ones that still keep our hopes for a better Nigeria alive.

Let us start celebrating those that earn their living doing an honest day’s work. Let us celebrate those that still dare to stand up and do the right thing. For the men and women in Nigeria who will probably never see a morsel of the national cake.

For those whose futures are dependent on their own abilities and not who they know.

Let us celebrate the teachers, the nurses, the doctors, the journalists, the ordinary people who work so hard for their daily bread.
Let us celebrate them because they are the ones who show our children that there is still pride in hard work.

Let us praise them, because they are worthy to be praised.

Na only Abuja get street light?

I have prayed to God to enable me start this year with a positive attitude but this country will not let me. Every day, as I read one story after another, my cynicism and pessimism slowly creeps back in.I have read a lot of stories during my time writing this column. Stories that have alarmed me so much that I began to doubt the sanity of our leaders. From Madam Etteh’s massage beds to Ibori’s air conditioned prison cell, many stories have been too good to be true.

However, this next story is the one that made me exclaim, “tufiakwa! Una don craise finish for dis country!” As usual, I was reading my daily dose of Nigerian news (a task that many Nigerians must have abandoned, if not, they will be out protesting at this very moment) when I saw a story in the Vanguard titled “Aliero denies move to power Abuja with generators” dated 9th, January 2009.

In this article, it seems the minister of the Federal Capital Territory Administration, was trying to deny statements which had formerly been given to journalists about powering Abuja streets with generators. He now attested that it was not “the whole of FCT” that will be powered with generators.

First of all, who was that human being that thought that using generators to power the streets of any city was a good idea? Who brought up that harebrained idea and who were the others that actually listened to such stupidity?

Such an idea is an insult to my intelligence and to the people of this nation. It’s very clear that using generators will not solve the problem in the long run. We all know that. Case closed. However, because of the necessity to function as a society, we have all been forced into accepting generators as if they are the norm of the society. It is not normal and has never been. We are polluting our environment seriously and blatantly wasting the earth’s resources because of our laziness in solving this problem. When countries all over the world are investing strongly in the conservation of the environment, Nigeria is doing the opposite. Again, we insist on moving backwards. Abuja is situated in the right area where solar energy can actually be considered as a means to solving the electricity problem. Yet, did anybody come up with such an idea? No. We hate to see the utilization of resources, we rather squander them. The earth that has given Nigeria so much is to be raped and abused as we want.

If the government goes ahead with this ridiculous idea, I would love to see who benefits from such a contract. Who shall supply the generators? Who shall supply the diesel? Who shall build the generator plants? In fact, I want to know who will supply the “pure water” for the labourers as those plants are being built. I have no idea how all this is supposed to be cheaper than investing in improving our own electricity.

Have you ever heard of the capital of a nation, powering its streets with generators? This nation baffles me. Most of the Niger-Delta is engulfed in darkness, hospitals are almost non-functional because of the lack of power supply, and this is the priority of the government? Street lights in Abuja? I understand the need for the capital of the nation to be safe for its citizens but surely we can come up with a better solution?

Using generators to power street lights is just a short term solution. The problem of electricity in Nigeria has to be solved once and for all. As long as we keep falling back on generators, Nigeria is not ready to move forward on this issue. I implore the government of Nigeria to show more determination and strength of character on this matter. I strongly believe this problem can be solved if we pursue it relentlessly instead of relying on the usual half measures we so easily succumb to.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

In the mood for something else...

It is 2009! Unlike many people in Nigeria, I did not spend the first hour of the New Year in church. No sir! I prayed a silent prayer at home and happily danced my way into the New Year. I was still in this mood when a good friend of mine called to complain about a New Year message delivered to the women of Nigeria on N.T.A by our first Lady. Apparently, the message had been that they (the women of Nigeria) should “obey their husbands”. In the mood I was in, I was determined not to get upset by such a message. I am trying to be optimistic about my country. That is my New Year resolution. I am sure our first Lady did not have a speech at hand; perhaps she was caught off guard? Or perhaps it was just too hard to say something to the women of Nigeria? Maybe I should give it a shot? See what we can come up with?
Nancy Reagan once said “A woman is like a teabag. It's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is”. You have so much power in your hands and yet you do not know it. You make up 50% of the population and yet, you walk around as if you are a nobody. You have been fed lies for years and these lies have scarred you. Your soul has become weary and you now drag the burden of these lies with you.
Yet, you are the same woman who they said would never go to school. You are the same woman who they said would never be able to vote. Would never drive a car, fly an airplane, go to space. You are the same woman who they said would become worthless with age. You would be a nobody. Useful only for keeping their food and bed warm.
Is it not time, my dear sisters that you take your rightful place in the society? Is the water not hot enough now for you to show your true strength? Is it not time to...

I would have written more but then the government would have to pay me for my efforts. After all, shebi dem get people wey dem dey pay to write speech? Abi all of dem still dey on vacation?

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

WAFFY AWARDS 2008

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, to the Second annual Waffy awards where Nigerian people and places are awarded for their contributions to different areas of entertainment. Last year, we saw winners such as the House of Assembly (best comedy sequence) the Niger Delta (best action sequence) and James Ibori (best drama sequence). We also had gracious losers such as Madam Etteh and Orji Kalu.

This year‘s awards proves to be just as exciting with our new nominees.

Once again, I’d like to state that all nominees were voted by a panel of expert judges. The awards cannot be contested and all forms of complaint will not be looked into, although suggestions will be taken into consideration.

BEST ACTION SEQUENCE 2008

Nominees:
1) Jos
2) Niger Delta

And the winner is the beautiful city of Jos. They successfully snatched this award from last year’s winner, the Niger Delta. Even though the Niger Delta tried to hold on to this award with their constant kidnappings, the city of Jos took the violence to even more dangerous grounds by allowing religious and tribal factors into the matter. A cocktail of violence that even the south-south could not match up with.

BEST DRAMA SEQUENCE 2008

Nominees:
1) Yar’Adua
2) Mallam Nuhu Ribadu
3) Mallam El-Rufai
4) EFCC

All contestants in this category deserve to win this prestigious award; unfortunately, there can only be one winner. However, we shall have a roundup of all the drama surrounding each contestant. The first runner up, Mallam El-Rufai was very strong in this category. Thirty two billion naira missing, land allocations, unaccounted funds, NIPOST land, PHCN land, etc etc. The EFCC has just declared him wanted. Apparently he is now a student in the United States (Seriously!). The second runner up, our very own president, thrilled us for days with speculations about his absence. While some feared he was dead, others put him at the location of a hospital in Saudi Arabia. The country was at a standstill as we all waited for his re appearance. I have to say, it was most entertaining! The EFCC of course, needs no introduction; this institution has become a serious source of drama with their constant output of confusing facts and figures. As you can see, the decision was a tough one but our winner indeed deserves this award.

The winner is Mallam Nuhu Ribadu! Surely, this contestant deserves to be honoured for the never ending drama surrounding his person. Let us take a quick look at the recent events in his life. First, he was promoted, then he was demoted, then they sent him (by force oh!) to NIPSS, then they denied him his graduation (why dem send am there in the first place?) now, dem don dismiss am from Police force. Haba! Abeg, im win am hands down!

BEST COMEDY SEQUENCE 2008

Nominees:
1) EFCC
2) House of Assembly

There is no need to explain why the House of Assembly is a constant source of entertainment. Their useless bickering over inconsequential matters is always a source of pure comedy any day and anytime.

However, the winner this year would have to be the EFCC with their missing files! Haba! I don laugh tire for this matter. How files wan take miss? Dem get wings? Because I no wan believe say in the year 2008, una no get computer for that place. If na dat one be the problem, I take God beg una, make una use my laptop. I dash una! In fact, I volunteer to type everything. Free of charge. Missing files indeed! Abeg, make una no kill me with laughter.

As usual, the last award, COURAGE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY goes to us, the people of Nigeria, for showing courage and tenacity in the face of all the action, drama and comedy.

Happy New year to all my readers!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

12 Christmas wishes for a very Waffy Christmas!

1)There is light 24 hours in the day. Not “half current” oh, full current. Capable of carrying all appliances without destroying anything.

2)All pot holes are miraculously filled overnight. The Lagos/Benin expressway becomes a joy to behold. No craters, no pot holes and no accidents. The whole journey takes only four hours. Halleluja!

3)Midnight crusades and night church is abolished. No more noise making in the middle of the night. We can now all sleep in peace and the Lagos /Ibadan expressway is finally cleared. Amen.

4)People become disciplined, learn how to queue up and stop hustling like mad people when using public transportation.

5)All okadas now have their own lanes and their passengers now wear helmets.

6)All the mobile networks now work efficiently and you can call anybody at anytime, anywhere without getting high blood pressure.

7)In the spirit of Christmas, all armed robbers decide to take a holiday and learn how to swim, dance the salsa and play Badminton. All within the premises of Aso Rock.

8)All TV stations now show great films throughout the holiday and not only Jesus of Nazareth, Part 1-3. (NTA, please, stop using archaic graphics. Somebody please send them the memo. We are in 2008!)


9)The area boys of Lagos are having their annual Christmas conference and therefore, will be away the whole season. Praise God!

10)The Police men at the sides of the road have all become born again Christians and instead of asking for “something”, they now ask “have you received Christ into your life”?

11)The chicken sizes in Sizzlers are well proportioned (Is it me, or do they reduce the sizes of those chickens every other day?)

12)We all get a gift from the government thanking us for still being citizens of this country.

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

P.S: If una wan invite me for Christmas chicken, make una no shame, just send my invitation to waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

I am sorry I do not speak your language!

I am one of those people that have been born “tribeless”, not because I do not have a tribe but because I just happen to have been brought up in Warri where we have made our very own “waffy” tribe. You can have a Hausa first name and an Ishan surname, as far as you were born and raised in Warri, you are a Waffarian. However, if you are “originally” from Warri but have never lived here, then no, you are not qualified to be a Waffarian. If you do not know where the following places are: Agbaro, Orhuwhorun, Ovwain, Igbo market, Bendel Estate, Nana College, Jakpa junction, then please, drop that dream. You are not a Waffarian. Entering an Okada does not qualify you and neither does having a love for “banga soup”. However, if you still insist on becoming a Waffarian, then send your CV and a letter stating why you would like to become a Waffarian. The best letter would be published in this column next week. Send all letters to waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Warri is a melting pot for so many languages and traditions that it is impossible to identify yourself with just one. I have never had any friends that have been strongly rooted in any particular tribe or culture. However, there are many Nigerians that are so strongly rooted in their language and culture that the thought of another person not speaking their own language might be quite displeasing to them. I am constantly baffled why people expect me to know their values and traditions when I do not have any affinity with them. I respect all tribes equally. I do not respect one above the others. That is why at this age, the thought that I might be at a disadvantage because I am not from a particular tribe is very troubling.

I have always believed that people should be judged by the content of their character and not by the language they speak. I have had more in common with a Tiv farmer’s daughter than with a minister’s daughter in Abuja. I might have more in common with an Italian cook (we both like food) than with a Nigerian pastor (I can’t stand their hypocrisy). It all depends on your principles in life. What is important to you? Who are you?

I do not believe I should be friends with other human beings just because they speak the same language as I do. I base my friendships on character and not on language, creed or colour. Today, there are many cases of marriages gone sour because of the insistence on marrying another human being from one’s own tribe, even though the two personalities might be incompatible. In fact, I know many people that have told me that they would not be able to marry someone who does not speak their language (I sure say my waffy people no concern dat one, as far as you fit scatter pidgin English, we dey happy). This to me is quite amusing. Why limit your world when you can do so much? Why limit your world to your own language and culture? Nigeria is a country blessed with so much diversity that it is a shame that people cannot see the beauty in it. When we learn from other cultures, we enrich ours. When we speak another language, we open ourselves to a world of new stories, new proverbs, new lessons. Learning another language can never be a detriment to anybody. We should be proud of our cultural diversity. We should be willing to acknowledge and be proud of the people that take the time and effort to learn the ways of others.

No, I do not speak your language. Do not ask me “why” I do not speak your language. Your language is not the only one in Nigeria. However, I am willing to learn your language for my own sake not for yours. The question is, are YOU willing to learn MY language? (no be say I get language oh but I fit give you intensive course for pidgin English).

P.S: All those market women for Effurun wey don turn the road wey dem just build na na to bicycle lane, I take God beg una, comot all those una nonsense from that road. Haba! Dem build that road for motor, no be for una to dey sell una goods.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The Nigerian Inquisition

In the 15th century, Europe was the center of the most heinous crimes committed against humanity in the name of Christianity. People were accused, put on trial, tortured and sometimes killed. In a bid to escape the wrath of the inquisition trials, people not only incriminated themselves but were forced to accuse others as well. This created an atmosphere of fear and paranoia amongst family and friends and it was not long before all sorts of fantastic accusations were being thrown about. One of the many accusations one could come up with was to accuse another person of “witchcraft”. Of course, this was in the 15th century and so it is understandable that the minds of illiterates could go no further than this. It is therefore with great shame and disgust that I now have to write about a similar sort of “inquisition” going on in our country today. These disgusting and inhumane trials are spearheaded by Helen Ukpabio.

You see, if someone had told me she was the wife of Lucifer, chances are I would laugh and not even think twice about such an absurd statement. However, in the case of Helen Ukpabio, I sincerely believe that she has been a wife of Lucifer and continues to mate with him in his bed of evil. Helen Ukpabio is the founder of “Liberty Foundation Gospel Ministry” and author of the book, “The Seat of Satan Exposed”. According to Helen, she was betrothed to Lucifer at the young age of fourteen and was trained in “concepts of mysticism, occultism, spiritism, satanism, demonism and general cultism” (don’t ask me what “spiritism” means, I always thought it was another name for “ogogoro” and as for the difference between “occultism” and “general cultism”, I am guessing the Satanic world has its very own English language which we mere mortals cannot decipher).

I have no problems with people being wives or husbands of anybody in heaven or hell. We all make our choices in life; after all, if people are wives and girlfriends of Jesus, I see no reason why people cannot be wives or girlfriends of Lucifer. Na dem sabi. Everybody with im own, wetin concern bicycle with filling station?
It only becomes my concern when people decide to attack the weak and innocent for their own devious and egoistic purposes. When anybody attacks a child, it becomes my concern and it should become your concern too. When a grown adult decides to attack children that cannot defend themselves then it becomes the place of other adults in the society to defend the children.

The “Liberty message”, according to its website, concentrates on expository series on witchcraft, false religion, marine spirit, demonology, deliverance, renunciation, first born male and curses/reversal(once again, do not attempt to find the meanings of these words in your dictionary, you have to have the “Modern Satanic Dictionary”). It is very clear, that whilst other churches are focusing on the “word of God” and a message of love, peace and happiness, Helen Ukpabio has decided to focus on delivering human beings from the hands of Satan.

Once again, I really have no problem with Helen practicing her deliverance skills on other human beings. If those human beings are adults and with their own two legs, decide to seek her out to know their “witchcraft status” (people wey never do A.I.D.S test oh meanwhile dem don do witchcraft test), that is their business. However, Helen does not only deliver adults. Instead, she has decided to concentrate also on the small and helpless in the society. Children who cannot defend themselves. Many of them do not even understand what is happening. Many of them still babies….these are the people that Helen has decided to practice her deliverance skills on.

In Akwa Ibom State today, there are hundreds of children being tortured, starved, beaten and separated from their families, all because Helen Ukpabio has labeled them as witches. Why is it the little children that are always the witches in every family? It is easy to pick a baby as a witch. A baby has no voice, a baby cannot defend itself, a baby is just… a baby.

I dare Helen Ukpabio to fight with demons her own size. I dare her to cast the demon out of me. Come and deliver me, please. Out of two of us, we go see who go cast demon comot from who. Helen Ukpabio should stop pretending she was ever delivered. It is obvious she is still very much the wife of Lucifer and is zealously doing his work here on earth.

I implore the Nigerian government, the governor of Akwa Ibom state and all sane citizens of this nation to stand up for the rights of these children. We must become the voice that they do not have and tell Helen Ukpabio to go and pick on demons her own size. I am sure since she is such a demon expert there must be many more adult demons that would keep her busy ministry occupied. Leave the children alone!

P.S: Congratulations to Comrade Oshiomhole! Yes we MUST!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Do you dare to be part of history?

A young writer friend of mine convinced me to stay up all night last Tuesday. I have never been a fan of American politics, especially since the unfortunate war in Iraq and the election of George Bush. I thought they had all gone nuts, like the rest of the world. However, my friend looked me dead in the eye and asked “do you not want to be part of history?” A question that needed no answer. I stayed up all night, congratulating my friend, as though it was he who was winning, as though it was he who would be the next president of America.

I am thankful I stayed up to watch history made, thankful I stayed up to hear the inspiring speech Barack Obama gave. If there was anything I got from that unforgettable night, it is the irrefutable fact that there is nothing we cannot achieve with hard work, discipline and persistence. There is nobody that can stop us as a nation if only we dare to try. If only we dare to say like Obama did, “yes we can!”. There are many things to be done and we must start right now, we must start today. How long do we sit and listen to the politicians, the so called God fathers and their cronies tell us that it is “impossible?” How long do we believe the lies of the greedy and the corrupt when they tell us that we shall never be a democracy? That the power in Nigeria belongs to a group of old men who shall never die? We are more than a hundred million people and yet we believe the lies of a few corrupt old men? When they tell us we shall never make it, perhaps it is time for us too, to rise up and say “Yes we can!”

On the third of November 2008, a young woman was beaten and stripped off her clothes by the convoy of Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade. What was her crime, you might ask? Well apparently, Uzoma Okere did not move out of the road fast enough for the power hungry Admiral and his band of animals. I watched with horror at the video as this young woman was beaten in broad day light. I cried not because of the brutality of a band of cowardly men but because of the two groups of people that witnessed this incident. Those who dared to say something and those that just stood there…and did nothing.

The Navy dared to behave like animals, they dared to do whatever they liked but we the people, we are always so afraid to stand up for our rights. He who does not dare shall never win. Until the day people would stop staring like useless beings and start being active, this country will always remain in the hands of a few corrupt old men. We are more than a hundred million, and amongst us, are there no few good men left? Is there nobody that will stand up, and dare to say “yes, we can?”

I want to believe that we as a nation will one day rise up and say, with one voice, enough is enough! That we shall dare to open our mouths and let our voices be heard when we see our brothers and sisters treated like animals. That we shall dare to confront injustice and believe in ourselves. It shall take time; maybe years but with hard work, discipline and persistence, we shall get there. Most of all, we must believe in ourselves and in our own abilities. So that when another Uzoma Okere stands up for her rights, we shall not stand around like starry eyed goats but we shall join her in her fight and be part of history. Let us dare to be right, let us dare to determine the course of our own history, let us dare to be part of history.

P.S: Meanwhile, all these convoys self, me I dey wonder where dem expect person to comot go self. See our roads, the traffic, plus okadas, hawkers, beggars, the whole road full remain. Sometimes I dey wonder whether dem think say person car get wings wey go just begin flap dey go. Haba! If una wan make people dey clear road for una, ehen, make una build big big roads dem, in fact make una build special lane self, only for una convoy. And no be say na better thing una dey go do oh. E fit be say na hunger be dey waya the man. I thank God say na swamp I dey stay, na me and mosquito dey share water.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The infertile man

I was reading my weekly newspapers last week on the internet when I came across an article titled “The way out of barrenness” written by Pastor Johnson Omomadia in the Vanguard, Nigeria, 24 October 2008. I read the article with great amusement and I have decided to compliment some of the missing facts in Pastor’s Omomadia’s well researched article on “barrenness”.

In his article, Pastor Johnson says that “To be barren means unfruitful, sterile, childless, deserted, uncultivated, dryness and something or someone that does not produce after its/his kind”. I therefore assumed that Pastor Johnson was referring to both men and women since both sexes can be affected by such a condition. He however only gives us examples of women in the Bible who were barren and warns us that is “forbidden” to be barren. At that point, I was filled with fear for all women with infertility problems all over Nigeria. What on earth were they now supposed to do? I imagined women committing suicides all over the country…I mean if it is “forbidden”, then what other choice do they have?

However, he does not suggest that infertile women start committing suicides all over the country, instead he tells us that “intercession brings fruitfulness” (with God that is) and then proceeds to advertise his bank account number at the end of his article where “financial seeds” can be planted and I am guessing his intercession with God will then work its miracles.

I would like to point out a few points the good pastor missed in his article. If infertility in women is forbidden in his version of the Bible, then I suppose infertility in men must be forbidden as well. Men can also can be “dry”, “uncultivated”, “and deserted”. If a man is impotent, then I am sure he is also “unfruitful”, “sterile”, and “childless”. I am very sure the pastor did not attend any medical school since he forgot to state the different factors that might cause a man to be unable to produce children. Just in case our pastor decides to immerse himself further into the world of “barrenness”, let me give him some common causes of male infertility. Disorders of the sperm numbers, shapes or movement are quite common. Testicular injuries or diseases, genetic disorders, hormonal problems, etc. There are many causes of male infertility that I am sure the pastor would like to mention next time he chooses to write about “a way out of barrenness”.

Also, should he choose to write a “part two” on the matter, it would be helpful if he can also find some examples of male infertility in the Bible, since that is where he gets his abundant knowledge of medical terms and conditions.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Who is afraid of the internet?

The internet for many young Nigerians is the place to get news, information and sometimes even knowledge. In a country whose history with the media has not always been too “cordial”, it is sometimes necessary to read news about Nigeria through online sources. Not because online sources are more reliable but sometimes online sources are able to publish stories that many Media houses in Nigeria will not touch with a ten foot pole. They are able to criticize our leaders and give honest opinions in matters concerning our country. They are also free from being “shut down” by the SSS and the Nigerian government.

In the midst of all the different sites and news agencies online, are also blogs. Blogs are online journals published by individuals on the internet. Most blogs are like diaries, with the blogger sharing his or her personal life, ideas and opinions. A blogger can decide to share his views on flowers, children, coffee… basically anything he/she wants. Some blogs focus on politics. They put up news about different political issues and share their opinions on the matter.

The numbers of Nigerian blogs dealing with political issues have slowly increased on the internet over the years. Some blogs publish only news about Nigeria while others might share their opinions or engage in lively discussions. For the young, blogs are where the debates happen. Since Nigerian Television Channels and newspapers often do not pose the hard questions to our leaders, (which is totally understandable when one considers the number of journalists that have been assassinated in this country) normal citizens have taken over and are now asking the questions that Nigerian journalists and correspondents fear to address.

Many bloggers are anonymous but there are also a few that choose to blog without any anonymity whatsoever. Jonathan Elendu is one of the many bloggers who uses his real identity online. He maintains a blog that features news and political articles about Nigeria and of course, does not blog from Nigeria. He has however been arrested or rather “invited” by the SSS on arrival to the country. I think Nigeria is certainly going backwards if the government insists on arresting citizens because of news articles published on the internet. The internet is too huge a place to wage war on.

How many more bloggers do they wish to arrest? There are thousands and thousands of people all over the world that publish stories and news about Nigeria daily. Even for an experienced blog reader, it is impossible to keep up with the number of articles being published about Nigeria. From students to pharmacists, pilots to teachers, it seems everybody has something to say about Nigeria.

For the first time in a very long time, Nigerians are actively participating in discussions about the future of our Nation. People are engaged, committed and ready to help our country in any way they can. It will be a shame if this has to end because of a few articles that the government does not approve of. There are many articles all over the internet that I do not enjoy reading. However, unlike our government, I do not have the ability to arrest anybody just because I disapprove of the kind of stories they publish. I do not have the power and I hope I never do. Power is a dangerous tool and a country that continues to use such a tool against its own citizens is heading for doom.

P.S: If una dey find me, I don enter my canoe go swamp. Tufiakwa! SSS is not my portion! E be like say e dey safer to stay with those militants them, at least I hear say them dey feed their victims well well!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Indecent dancing ke?

My people, if I tell una say I don tire for this country! Haba! Every day, new wahala, as one nonsense finish, another one go begin!

I don’t even know if I can be shocked any more with the kind of issues our government gives priority to these days. After all, let’s not forget that we still have that preposterous “indecent dressing bill” hanging over our heads. Yes, things are as usual, as senseless as it can be, our government just can’t get their priorities right. What is their latest venture you might ask? Well my dear friends, you will be sad to know that our government, with all the serious issues we have in this country, have chosen “dance” as the next art form to attack. The Kano State Censorship Board has recently arrested two artists, Rabilu Musa Danlasan, alias Dan Ibro and co-artist Lawan Kunawa, for indecent dancing! (I know oh, meself, I don laugh tire!).

According to the censorship board, “indecent dancing” is against the Kano State Censorship Law, and therefore, the two artists have to be punished for apparently polluting the citizens of Kano state with their dancing. To say the truth, I am still in shock that there is actually a law in the year 2008 that prohibits any kind of dancing at all. How on earth do they judge if a particular performance is decent or not? Is there a list of the kinds of dance that is permitted in Kano? I can imagine that shaking certain parts of the human body is definitely forbidden, but after that, what else? Okay, don’t shake “this and that”, but what if I dance “the twist”, “running man” or “break dance”? Which ones are permitted and which ones are not? What about Ballet? Is this allowed? Modern, Jazz, Tap dancing? Contemporary, Ball room, Fox trot, Waltz?

As ridiculous as it seems to arrest anybody for dancing, it is even more ridiculous to arrest somebody for dancing in a film made when the so called “censorship law” was nonexistent! Now, think people, does this make sense? Let me break it down for those that do not still get it.Imagine if you have cooked with pepper all your lives. Any pot of soup you made, you put pepper in it. Now one day, you wake up and there is a new law saying you cannot cook with pepper, so you stop putting pepper in your food. Now imagine how shocked you will be if you are suddenly arrested for a pot of soup you made two years ago!If people still do not get what the problem is, then I am afraid our education system has to be re evaluated. It just does not make sense, no matter how you look at the issue.

There have been many assertions as to why these two artists were arrested. However, I feel there is no need to even waste our time speculating “why” in this case. Let us simply tell the truth. The truth is that the Kano state censorship board is pursuing a case that is totally illogical and in my opinion, perhaps one of the most absurd things I have ever heard. In fact, I don’t know which takes the prize, “indecent dressing” or “indecent dancing" ( e be like say we dey obsessed with this “indecent” word!).

P.S: Imagine if we get these kain laws for our side! Chei! Dem for don arrest all our governors finish! Those ones wey sabi dance “indecently” anyhow! Abeg, I no fit laugh again. Meanwhile, if anybody get the films, abeg, make una try send am to me. Me self, I wan see this kain “indecent dancing” wey reach to put person for prison! Haba!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Hide and Seek in the workplace

There are many young women in Nigeria today desperate for jobs. A job can mean a roof over their heads or a medical bill for a loved one. A bag of rice for grandparents in the village or school fees for siblings. A job sometimes can be a matter of life or death. This is the situation many young women are faced with and this is the situation that many men have decided to take advantage of.

The offices of many men these days have now become a place to harass and terrorize these young women. Their desks now become the main player in this game. Women run around desks, begging as they make another circle, “please sir”, while the lecherous man says, “Come on, be a big girl”. As ridiculous as this situation sounds, as devoid of dignity as you may think it is, many old men are ready to sprint around a desk with great agility. Men that have not taken a walk in years will become athletes in a matter of seconds. You will be surprised to learn that many of these men have daughters, sisters and mothers. Many are “pillars of the society” and “elders” in churches.

For some reason, even though we see this disgusting behavior, we have chosen to turn a blind eye. Even when these young women report such situations, nobody seems to think that anything “bad” has taken place. What kind of society do we live in? What kind of society allows its daughters to be haunted like animals? What kind of society produces men that hunt like animals?

Our men it seems have become animals with no self control. They now believe that because they are “men”, they somehow now have the exclusive rights to “lack of control”. In many discussions all over Nigeria, men will tell you they are “created” that way. Somehow, while God was giving control and other honorable virtues to human beings all over the world, the Nigerian man was either sleeping or did not get the “memo”. It is time we stop fooling ourselves. The Nigerian man is no different than any other man in the world and unless you can fly or climb skyscrapers, then you are just a normal human being. Therefore, since you are just normal, then I expect you to behave like a normal human being.

Take for example, a man in the office. Your job in the office is to work and act as a professional. Your job is not to chase women around your desk. When did the office become the Nigerian man’s hunting ground? For those still wondering why nothing is being done in our country, now you know. People are playing “hide and seek” instead of working! As we dey talk for Warri, men dey carry woman matter for head pass government work.

I am tired of Nigerian men thinking that they can get away with anything. When you harass a woman in that way, it is called “sexual harassment” and you can be sued. As for the companies that turn a blind eye to this disgusting behavior by their employees, shame on you!

Finally for the men, let me tell you a secret. You can control yourself. Drink a glass of cold water and read your Bible or whatever religious scripture that suits you. If that does not help your situation, then I advise you to call your wife immediately, get on the nearest okada and hurry home. If you do not have a wife, it does not matter, get home and have a cold shower. I am told this always solves the problem.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Independent wishes

I wish all the big men over forty-five in politics would give us a break and just retire. I seriously doubt that they have anything else to contribute in this country.

I wish young people would start taking an interest in politics and do what they can to change the little they can. We cannot expect anybody to do anything if there is actually nobody.

I wish our government would one day get their priorities right instead of putting their time, energy and money into the wrong projects.

I wish people would wake up and be more active and stop pretending they’ve gone blind when they see wastage and irresponsibility.

I wish the government would use people that have the right credentials for a job instead of hiring relatives and every Tom Dick and Harry from their village.

I wish people would stop blaming the government for everything and instead start doing the little they can in their communities. If you think you can do a better job, then stand up and say so.

I wish the government would give people that come with suggestions and alternatives the chance to participate. Even if you do no not want to work, good for you, but how about giving the person that wants to, a chance?

I wish people could spend as much time and energy in their communities as they spend in their churches, mosques or shrines. If we could show just ten percent of the sort of dedication we show in religion, half of our problems would be solved.

I wish the government would solve the Niger-Delta crisis and stop this unnecessary violence and unrest in the region.

I wish the people of the Niger-Delta would do their part and hold their leaders responsible for the state of the region today.

I wish the oil companies would stop exploiting a situation that is infected with corruption, greed and bad leadership.

I wish the people would work in partnership with the oil companies to clean up the polluted regions and allow peace to reign.

I wish the young people could think of something better to do than kidnapping and sabotage.

I wish the government would give the unemployed youth a chance for a better life and future.

I wish people would stand up and protest about the light situation. How long will you continue to live in darkness?

I wish there was a ban on generators so every single citizen in Nigeria suffers the same. Let us see if the situation would not be solved.

I wish we could be more disciplined, learn to stand in queues and stop causing chaos and panic in everyday situations.

I wish the government would enforce discipline in the society and make sure people know the rules that apply in the society. If the people do not know the rules, how do you expect them to follow them?

I wish people would start getting ready for the next elections and think about the change they can bring about in the society by voting for the right people.

I wish the right people would dare to take part next time around so that people would also dare to vote for them.

I wish the government and the people would understand that we cannot come about change in this country if we do not work together. The government cannot do it alone and neither can the people but together, WE can do it.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

God’s time is the best

Sometimes it is hard to accept time and its numerous forces. I am very patient with things I know I really can not affect. For example, natural disasters such as tornadoes, floods, erosions, volcanoes (which my economics teacher taught us was needed to check “overpopulation”, without such disasters, human beings will take over the planet earth and resources will never be enough ). Those kinds of situations, yes, I do have patience because I know I cannot do anything to change it. However, there are many other things in life that we can affect. We can affect the environment we live in, we can affect the people we choose to lead us and we can affect the kind of citizens we want to be. We can choose to be active or passive in our society. We have all these choices to make in life, yet so many people choose to live their lives dragging themselves through it as if they have no voice and no stake in it.

There are many times I have seen people shrug away decisions. For every question, their answer is the inevitable “I don’t care” or “whatever” or “wetin concern me? I am a very impatient human being, I want things to happen and I want them to happen now. That is why I am often impatient with people who drag their feet. There is nothing more irritating than hearing those sounds against the floor. It is a disease in Nigeria....the dragging of slippers across the floor, people walking as if they have all the time in the world. Everybody waiting and waiting…waiting for something to happen but nobody doing anything about it.

I guess that’s why I can’t stand people that sleep a lot too. Why are you sleeping? Is there really nothing better for you to be doing? Yes, you need it for your health, but surely, twelve hours must be enough? There's a certain "decadence" that I can't really explain…men sleeping...while others are hard at work...of course people can sleep when they want to... but think about it...there is nothing uglier than arriving at a place of employment and seeing someone scrawled fast asleep on a bench or mat.

I am so sick and tired of waiting for "God's time is the best"...that's why we are all in the same mess we were yesterday. I cannot stand this "time " thing, it just keeps going and going, it never stops...how can people just sit at the side lines and watch it continue? Please don't tell me to stop and enjoy the fresh air, flowers, etc. I do that all the time, there is no one that appreciates life and death more that I do. I am a fan.

People always say "there is a time for everything", yeah, that’s why things never change right? I believe if you want things to happen in your life, you have to make a move, you have to start something, anything.

Wake up, people!

P.S: Make I use style salute one of my brothers wey get birthday. Happy birthday oh, chop my own remain. God bless you quadruple times! Amen.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The rule of law and all that Jazz!

So, finally, this “rule of law” business has been revealed for what it is, another fraud, a fake, and a 419. Rule of law indeed! You know, I have always been suspicious of this “rule of law” business, it seemed too good be true, especially with our history of military bullies and harassment. Well, it seems I was right to be suspicious, the SSS’s decision to shut down Channels television shows that the “rule of law” is obviously just another phrase in the dictionary of our government that carries no weight. I hope we can now all stop fooling ourselves believing that our country is “democratic”. The fact that journalists were also arrested and others “invited” for interviews should make the citizens of this country very wary of our government. However, it is not only citizens of this country that are being bullied and harassed under the name of “national security”. Recently, an American journalist was arrested and ultimately deported for daring to enter the Niger Delta. It seems any news that does not paint our country in a “beautiful” light is now deemed a breach of security, treason, causing unrest, etc. Is our government that paranoid? Are things so unstable and delicate in the government? I don’t know why everybody is so nervous and jumpy. Or is it a case of “the guiltieth runneth when no man chaseth”?

Whilst I do not support the spreading of false information, yet, the use of the word “might” should not cause a country and government to go crazy with fear. I remember watching with fascination as the whole world waited for Clinton to “resign” during his trying term in office. Everybody thought he would, correspondents all over the world said he “might”.....nobody ended up getting locked up because of such speculations. In fact, our government should be thankful that our media houses are not as nosy as their western counterparts where even the President’s underwear would be subject to speculation. Does he wear boxers or white pants? T-shirts or singlets?
If only they would put as much effort into rounding up those militants as they put into the arrest of editors and journalists. Of course, journalists are easier to harass and bully, after all, their weapon of choice is nothing but a miserable pen. The government it seems is more afraid of the power of the pen than our Niger Delta militants. Speaking of our ever faithful brothers of the swamps, it seems they are determined to draw this government into a confrontation.

Funny enough, we get more news from Jomo Gbomo about what is happening down there than from our own government. This Jomo Gbomo guy seems to be very dedicated in sending out detailed information about their operations. This just goes to show that talent can be discovered even under unfortunate circumstances. Imagine if this man was in charge of information for the government, I am sure we would be informed of every last detail. What a pity! Such talent wasted on violence!

P.S:If anybody ask of me, make una tell dem say una no find me oh! Make una cast dem back from where dem dey come from! Tufiakwa! I return to sender!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

A youthful ministry

Another week has gone by, we are still alive, the president is still alive and we have a brand new ministry! Yippy! I wonder what will happen with the NDDC? Perhaps they will go into the soothsayer business? Who knows? Maybe a kind of “cash and carry” kind of service….or if they get really ambitious, one would even be able to pay online and all, really high tech. After all, they all seem to be so knowledgeable in the art of magic, portions, juju, wizards, and other funny business. Anyway, I am sure they will all find something to do, no need to worry about them, they all seem to be a very creative lot!

However, before this ministry is formed, I would like to appeal to the president not to make the same mistakes like our past president has done with this issue. The main reason why we keep failing with the Niger Delta is that we keep engaging the wrong people in the matter. Unless we have become blind and deaf in this country, it is obvious that the main participants in this boiling mess are the youths. We have to engage the youths of the Niger Delta in this ministry. We have tried to engage the elders, the older men of our society and where has it led? It has led to more problems, more bribes, more disappearing funds, more hocus-pocus! Why do we keep engaging people that have shown us time and time again that they are not capable? When are we going to learn our lesson?

The youths of the Niger Delta are the ones complaining. They are the ones kidnapping, killing and causing unrest in the region. Now is the time for them to actively help in solving all the problems they have spent many days in the swamps fighting for. Now is the time for them to actively help rebuild their society. How can this be done? Is this possible, you may ask? Yes it is! Have you not heard of the child that stole from the cupboard of goodies yet when given the job to look after this cupboard, nothing went missing? The Niger Delta is this great cupboard, full of uncountable wonderful goodies and the little child that keeps stealing from this cupboard are the youths. We need to give them back responsibility and discipline.

How can we get them excited again about their futures? How can we get them away from the lure of the machine guns and easy money? How can you instill in these lost youths, the pride of hard work, discipline and commitment? I dare say, this will be the most important job for the new ministry. I think these are questions that the president needs to answer first and foremost before giving away posts in this new ministry.

The truth of the matter is, our elders have lets us down. Time and time again, they have deceived us. How long shall we let that happen? Let us not form another ministry for the greedy and pot bellied monsters. Let us form a youthful and energetic ministry, a ministry that is capable of coming up with new ideas and ready to face the challenges of a most volatile region.
This time around, we cannot afford to fail.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

P.S: I no wan laugh, but una read that speech wey Kinigbe give for im hand over? Chei! Laugh be wan kill me…eya…well, as im talk, God’s time is the best. Everything must to end one day. I wish am good luck oh!