Saturday, February 23, 2008

Democracy ke?

Do not tell me we have democracy in this country, you may call our system anything you like but please do not insult my intelligence by calling it democracy. I may not have studied “government” in secondary school and neither did I study “political science”, but I always knew this line, as millions of people across the world: “A government of the people, by the people, for the people”. This is what I have always thought democracy to be. I know my fellow waffarians will be laughing hysterically by now; their common expression would be “na who dash us?” My people, nobody “dashed” us, we do not have such a government and therefore, we cannot claim to have democracy. Now, I know some positive people and optimists out there might take offence to such a statement, thus, I have tried, very simply, to break it down.

Now, except I have become blind, I do not see any government of the people. If anybody knows of any minister, senator, governor, that you have rubbed shoulders with on buses, or seen on okadas in the last twenty years, please inform me. The people in the government are not even from our world….they watch CNN and BBC, play golf, and polo. Polo ke? Ah! You are wondering what polo is, you see yourself? Poor man no good oh! Let me continue, they drink champagne and eat hors d’oeuvres (no ask me wetin hors d’oevres mean, na “starter”, I know say una no dey chop dat kain thing, but rich people dem, dem like to tease their tongue first, before the main food go land, na the best explanation I get) they have weekend escapes in Dubai and New York, and have helicopter rides and boat cruises….have you ever done any of that? Are those the kind of people you move around with everyday? Ehen, now you see what I am talking about, they are people of course, but they are not OF you.

A government by the people....this one…na wa. I do not even know where to start here, anybody that voted in the last elections would tell you the insanity that was the elections. Area boys, weapons, missing ballot boxes, closed centers…it was chaos, or as those oyibo people go call am “irregularities”. All in all, they were not fair, and except you count the area boys, the winners were not voted by the people. End of story.

Let us take the next point, FOR the people: I do not need to look too far, our senate is the perfect example. These ones have not yet realized that they are ONLY representatives for their people. In their minds, they think they are there to serve themselves and carry out personal crusades. Some of them do not even know why they are there or how they got there in the first place. Tell me how these people are supposed to serve the people when they are not even aware of “which” people they are supposed to serve? It is no wonder our madam dared to propose such a ridiculous bill and it is no wonder that such a bill is going on to its second reading. Yet, bear in mind, that in all that has been happening, the people have spoken, but please ignore us, carry on with a personal vendetta that has nothing to do with the wishes of the people, after all, we do not have democracy in this country.

Right now, we are all trying to agree on what “transparency” means, after that, we are going to find out what “accountability” means, and then we still have to figure out what the “rule of law” means. The last one is a very tricky thing indeed, devised by our current president; it will go down in history as the phrase that had so many meanings that meant nothing.

P.S: Shebi una know say Ibori still dey outside? Just in case una don forget…..

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The unfortunate bill

I see that madam went ahead with her unfortunate bill, even, after all my advice? Well, since she is determined to continue, I might as well give her my list too. Madam, here is my list of all the forms of men clothing I feel are totally inappropriate in our society, in fact, I propose you ban them all, thank you.

French suit: Ah! You all are thinking what my problem is right? Well, I have noticed that most French suits are exceptionally tight around the waist, thus, showing the outline and contours of the mens’ “big belle”. In fact, I am still traumatized by the memory of my secondary school economics teacher.

Kaftan: Have you seen Kaftans blowing in the wind? Not decent at all, this is a sight that is both terrifying and unbecoming for women to experience. They should be banned immediately.

Agbada: Are you all surprised? Well, let me explain, agbada is the number one cause of decadence in this country. Yes, you all heard me right. In fact, sightings of these magnificent garments have been known to cause riots in our universities. The beauty of that thing…the beautiful movement of the hands, reaching to gather the falling cloth ahhhhhh, the thought of all that money beneath the garment, imaginary or real….if there is one wear that should be banned, it has to be the agbada. This cloth alone is responsible for “madam/oga syndrome”, we see the “agbada” and immediately we lose all our senses, our thoughts become focused on the wads of notes waiting for us…to be bribed. If this is not a cause for concern, then I do not know what is. I sincerely hope madam’s husband is not guilty of wearing any of the above mentioned clothes, which would be a shame indeed.

While we are at it, why not ban all forms of traditional wear? To say the truth, I am tired of seeing men strolling around with nothing but wrappers wrapped around their waists, they might as well start wearing what we used to call “lion cloth” those days. Also, I have never understood the whole bowler hat and wrapper thing....feels like a post-colonial effect….and what’s with the feathers on hats, horse whips etc? Perhaps madam is right after all? Yes, let’s ban all forms of traditional wear.

P.S: I task everybody to stop tasking everybody. Haba! What is it? Task, task and more task! Instead of “tasking”, can somebody actually start doing something? That is the problem with this country; nobody wants to do the job, much better to “task”. I appeal especially to governors to remove this English word from their speeches. It has become tiresome, stop “tasking” the citizens of your state and start working. In fact, I propose we ban the word “task” thank you.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

An idle mind.....

Na wah oh! Wonders will never cease in this country! My people, if I tell you what is happening here, you will not believe me. It is total chaos in our markets! Women are running helter-skelter, they say another madam for Abuja wan carry all of them go prison! All these Abuja madams self, I don tire for them, first of all, that other one with im massage wahala, now, this one don come with cloth palaver. Wetin? If you wan turn to tailor, abeg just tell us, I fit hook you up with one of my guys for Jakpa junction, no come dey use our women for experiment.

I implore all the rest of the members of the senate to please help this madam figure out the purpose of her job. I would also like a list of all her main duties read out to her loud in English and vernacular so that she can understand what she is supposed to do. I blame the senate for allowing this woman to be led blind folded into her duties. It is obvious that nobody sat her down properly to explain the duties of her job. I am very sure that “chasing other women” for “indecent dressing” was not listed as one of them.

Since the poor woman does not have any idea of what she can do, I have decided to put her on the right part, before my waffy women begin get hypertension. After discussing this matter with a couple of women, here are the three main issues we would like madam to address, that is, if she has time, of course.

Bill to protect battered women from husbands: The way some women are treated in this country, I often wonder if abusive men do not have mothers, sisters or daughters. Women from all walks of life being abused and yet when reported in police stations, they are told it is a “family matter”. No it is not, and neither is it a case for “church” to solve either. If a woman comes to a police station, it is for the police to act on the information being given and protect the woman from the man. If the police do not help them, then whose job is it? Well, here’s something you can all debate on.

Bill for stiffer laws on child abuse: I wonder how we think in this society when we see young children under the hot sun hawking products when they are supposed to be in school. We sit in our air conditioned cars and buy “credit” or “pure water” from them, whilst our own kids are in the comfort of their classrooms. How can we, in the society watch this around us and think it is okay? We go to the villages and bring young girls and boys, sometimes younger than the very children they are supposed to care for, we watch them wash our clothes, sweep our houses, cook our food…a young child….and we think this is okay? It is alright to see a child do an adult’s work that we cannot do ourselves? We hear of uncles and aunties molesting nieces, cousins and neighbors, we hush them up, we let the children carry the weight of the act, without treatment and rehabilitation, we see the offenders everyday walking free in the society, whilst the child bows his/her head in shame, and we think it is okay?

Bill for stiffer laws for rapists: I would like to know what percentage of rapists in this country actually ends up in jail, that is, if they do. If there is one act that destroys the soul of a woman it is rape. The women are left traumatized for life, and again, without any help or justice, they often have to live in the same environment as the rapists. If we continue to live in a society where it is okay for women to be treated like this, then shame on us, all of us, men and women.

I would have written more, but it is not my job to list out issues that even the blind in our society already know about. It is the job of the people that are getting paid already, like our madam in Abuja.

P.S: However, there is nothing wrong in the madam herself wanting to be covered from head to toe. It is her right as an individual, if she like self, she fit carry burka or even blanket self, wrap am around her head, na her concern be that, after all, she get A.C, the heat no go kill am!

Compensation for being a Nigerian

Dem take light for Ghana stadium! Yes they did, just before the game of Mali and Benin republic and believe me, nobody laugh pass me! I fall from chair self. It was good to know that even a football match being watched by the whole world could not stop that pesky factor in the African continent from rearing its ugly head. It was a refreshing moment; after all, truth should be encouraged, always. Meanwhile, dem don increase “pocket money” for all our government people dem. Haba! Where una wan chop dey go? Wetin una need all that money for? Na the latest native wear dey cause all this wahala? If na im, I fit give una discount from Effurun market. Abi na all those Switzerland schools dey hala una pikins dem? Make una no worry; we get better schools for here. Ibori don furnish dem well well, your kids will be in good hands, we get Urhobo college, Hussey college, Dom Domingos, Our Ladies, abeg, send then come dis side.

Meanwhile, abeg make una increase my salary for being a Nigerian citizen. It is not easy. In fact, I might just sue this government; after all, you are responsible for the majority of my problems in life. The constant head ache I get is from the sound of all your generators and acs on full blast. The ulcer I have in my stomach is from the constant stress anytime I get on your so called high ways. The heart palpitations I get are as a result of seeing your mobile policemen on the road and I have been known to have panic attacks at the sight of your planes and runways. You are the cause of all my health problems and I demand compensation. At the very least, send me a year’s supply of “mis-mag” and panadol.

That being said, it is with great sorrow that I announce the passing away of Integrity. Ah! You don’t know her? Well, I do not blame you all; she used to live during the times of our great grandfathers. She used to carry her head with dignity and pride; she was respected by people from far and wide. In fact, there was a time when men were known to fall on their knees and shudder at her very presence. She was declared as dangerous and unpredictable and since then, she has been in hiding. She has been weak for some time now, the people that used to take care of her, left her to the dogs. A few passersby from time to time threw her a bone or two, but how can one feed on that alone? The funeral arrangements will be announced shortly.
Also declared missing are the following persons: Honesty, Decency, Truth, Morality and Honor. We advice all citizens of the country to be on the lookout for these people and contact the nearest government agency if you happen to recognize any of them. They are rumors that some of them might still be hiding in the government.

P.S: Meanwhile, those of una wey wan begin fight for senate, I advice you all to take lessons from the boxing champions at the House of Representatives. I am sure they have tips on how to fight with agbadas and suits. It is never too early to start practicing. Practice makes perfect!

P.S.S: Abeg, presido, you fit buy me some of those milk chocolates from Switzerland? I go pay you wey you land. Plus some cheese, but make sure you choose well oh, no allow them cheat you because you be foreigner, and no buy from Tax free, e dey too expensive. Try go the local markets dem, dem go cheap pass. Thank you, God go bless you!