Monday, December 29, 2008


Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, to the Second annual Waffy awards where Nigerian people and places are awarded for their contributions to different areas of entertainment. Last year, we saw winners such as the House of Assembly (best comedy sequence) the Niger Delta (best action sequence) and James Ibori (best drama sequence). We also had gracious losers such as Madam Etteh and Orji Kalu.

This year‘s awards proves to be just as exciting with our new nominees.

Once again, I’d like to state that all nominees were voted by a panel of expert judges. The awards cannot be contested and all forms of complaint will not be looked into, although suggestions will be taken into consideration.


1) Jos
2) Niger Delta

And the winner is the beautiful city of Jos. They successfully snatched this award from last year’s winner, the Niger Delta. Even though the Niger Delta tried to hold on to this award with their constant kidnappings, the city of Jos took the violence to even more dangerous grounds by allowing religious and tribal factors into the matter. A cocktail of violence that even the south-south could not match up with.


1) Yar’Adua
2) Mallam Nuhu Ribadu
3) Mallam El-Rufai

All contestants in this category deserve to win this prestigious award; unfortunately, there can only be one winner. However, we shall have a roundup of all the drama surrounding each contestant. The first runner up, Mallam El-Rufai was very strong in this category. Thirty two billion naira missing, land allocations, unaccounted funds, NIPOST land, PHCN land, etc etc. The EFCC has just declared him wanted. Apparently he is now a student in the United States (Seriously!). The second runner up, our very own president, thrilled us for days with speculations about his absence. While some feared he was dead, others put him at the location of a hospital in Saudi Arabia. The country was at a standstill as we all waited for his re appearance. I have to say, it was most entertaining! The EFCC of course, needs no introduction; this institution has become a serious source of drama with their constant output of confusing facts and figures. As you can see, the decision was a tough one but our winner indeed deserves this award.

The winner is Mallam Nuhu Ribadu! Surely, this contestant deserves to be honoured for the never ending drama surrounding his person. Let us take a quick look at the recent events in his life. First, he was promoted, then he was demoted, then they sent him (by force oh!) to NIPSS, then they denied him his graduation (why dem send am there in the first place?) now, dem don dismiss am from Police force. Haba! Abeg, im win am hands down!


2) House of Assembly

There is no need to explain why the House of Assembly is a constant source of entertainment. Their useless bickering over inconsequential matters is always a source of pure comedy any day and anytime.

However, the winner this year would have to be the EFCC with their missing files! Haba! I don laugh tire for this matter. How files wan take miss? Dem get wings? Because I no wan believe say in the year 2008, una no get computer for that place. If na dat one be the problem, I take God beg una, make una use my laptop. I dash una! In fact, I volunteer to type everything. Free of charge. Missing files indeed! Abeg, make una no kill me with laughter.

As usual, the last award, COURAGE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY goes to us, the people of Nigeria, for showing courage and tenacity in the face of all the action, drama and comedy.

Happy New year to all my readers!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

12 Christmas wishes for a very Waffy Christmas!

1)There is light 24 hours in the day. Not “half current” oh, full current. Capable of carrying all appliances without destroying anything.

2)All pot holes are miraculously filled overnight. The Lagos/Benin expressway becomes a joy to behold. No craters, no pot holes and no accidents. The whole journey takes only four hours. Halleluja!

3)Midnight crusades and night church is abolished. No more noise making in the middle of the night. We can now all sleep in peace and the Lagos /Ibadan expressway is finally cleared. Amen.

4)People become disciplined, learn how to queue up and stop hustling like mad people when using public transportation.

5)All okadas now have their own lanes and their passengers now wear helmets.

6)All the mobile networks now work efficiently and you can call anybody at anytime, anywhere without getting high blood pressure.

7)In the spirit of Christmas, all armed robbers decide to take a holiday and learn how to swim, dance the salsa and play Badminton. All within the premises of Aso Rock.

8)All TV stations now show great films throughout the holiday and not only Jesus of Nazareth, Part 1-3. (NTA, please, stop using archaic graphics. Somebody please send them the memo. We are in 2008!)

9)The area boys of Lagos are having their annual Christmas conference and therefore, will be away the whole season. Praise God!

10)The Police men at the sides of the road have all become born again Christians and instead of asking for “something”, they now ask “have you received Christ into your life”?

11)The chicken sizes in Sizzlers are well proportioned (Is it me, or do they reduce the sizes of those chickens every other day?)

12)We all get a gift from the government thanking us for still being citizens of this country.

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

P.S: If una wan invite me for Christmas chicken, make una no shame, just send my invitation to