Compensation for being a Nigerian

Dem take light for Ghana stadium! Yes they did, just before the game of Mali and Benin republic and believe me, nobody laugh pass me! I fall from chair self. It was good to know that even a football match being watched by the whole world could not stop that pesky factor in the African continent from rearing its ugly head. It was a refreshing moment; after all, truth should be encouraged, always. Meanwhile, dem don increase “pocket money” for all our government people dem. Haba! Where una wan chop dey go? Wetin una need all that money for? Na the latest native wear dey cause all this wahala? If na im, I fit give una discount from Effurun market. Abi na all those Switzerland schools dey hala una pikins dem? Make una no worry; we get better schools for here. Ibori don furnish dem well well, your kids will be in good hands, we get Urhobo college, Hussey college, Dom Domingos, Our Ladies, abeg, send then come dis side.

Meanwhile, abeg make una increase my salary for being a Nigerian citizen. It is not easy. In fact, I might just sue this government; after all, you are responsible for the majority of my problems in life. The constant head ache I get is from the sound of all your generators and acs on full blast. The ulcer I have in my stomach is from the constant stress anytime I get on your so called high ways. The heart palpitations I get are as a result of seeing your mobile policemen on the road and I have been known to have panic attacks at the sight of your planes and runways. You are the cause of all my health problems and I demand compensation. At the very least, send me a year’s supply of “mis-mag” and panadol.

That being said, it is with great sorrow that I announce the passing away of Integrity. Ah! You don’t know her? Well, I do not blame you all; she used to live during the times of our great grandfathers. She used to carry her head with dignity and pride; she was respected by people from far and wide. In fact, there was a time when men were known to fall on their knees and shudder at her very presence. She was declared as dangerous and unpredictable and since then, she has been in hiding. She has been weak for some time now, the people that used to take care of her, left her to the dogs. A few passersby from time to time threw her a bone or two, but how can one feed on that alone? The funeral arrangements will be announced shortly.
Also declared missing are the following persons: Honesty, Decency, Truth, Morality and Honor. We advice all citizens of the country to be on the lookout for these people and contact the nearest government agency if you happen to recognize any of them. They are rumors that some of them might still be hiding in the government.

P.S: Meanwhile, those of una wey wan begin fight for senate, I advice you all to take lessons from the boxing champions at the House of Representatives. I am sure they have tips on how to fight with agbadas and suits. It is never too early to start practicing. Practice makes perfect!

P.S.S: Abeg, presido, you fit buy me some of those milk chocolates from Switzerland? I go pay you wey you land. Plus some cheese, but make sure you choose well oh, no allow them cheat you because you be foreigner, and no buy from Tax free, e dey too expensive. Try go the local markets dem, dem go cheap pass. Thank you, God go bless you!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com