Sunday, July 27, 2008


The role of the woman in the society...if I had a penny for every time I heard that sentence, I would be a millionaire by now. I don’t know how many times as a young woman, I have had to listen to what is expected of me by my family, friends, teachers, neighbors…society. Everybody wants something from me and I cannot let them down. My parents expect me to be a good daughter, help at home, clean, cook, look after my siblings, my teachers expect me to be a good “girl student”, neat, courteous, respectful. My neighbors expect me to greet them every morning and cook a dish as well when they are sick. My friends expect me to always call, be nice, play the good girl, the one every parent loves to have as their daughter’s friend. The list goes on and on…do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that.

As a young girl, I was always overwhelmed with the feeling that no matter what I do, it would never be enough. No matter how hard I tried to make the perfect eba, it would always be too soft or too hard. I have never mastered that skill and to say the truth, at the age of nineteen, I decided that I would never accomplish the simple task of making the perfect eba. The perfect eba did not exist just as the perfect woman has never existed. I remember watching a certain neighbor as a young girl. This woman always seemed so well put together. Her hair always looked as if she just washed and set it, her clothes were always the latest fashion and her car was the sleekest. She threw the most amazing birthday parties for her kids and everybody in the neighborhood thought she was the “perfect wife”. I did too, until the day I realized that that beautiful crown of hair was….a wig. The perfect wife was practically bald underneath all that hair. I know what you are thinking, so what if she was bald? After all, majority of women these days will not be caught dead without their weave-ons and “attachments”. Well, it was remarkable to me because I never thought even for a moment, that she could not be perfect but that was not the main reason for that story. Rumour has it, that her husband on coming home early from work one day caught her asleep on the sofa, without her wig on. They say he screamed “blood of Jesus” and ran out of the house. I do not know if it was the shame of his wife not being the “perfect woman” but they got divorced soon after we never saw her again. I would have loved to convince my dear readers that “hair” could not be the reason for the divorce but unfortunately, considering the shallow world we all live in, it is my firm belief that her missing “crown of glory” was the cause of the demise of a once “perfect marriage”.

A good friend of mine phoned me the other day. She is a mother with two kids and works full time at a bank. She can often be seen at a salon during her breaks from work, her clothes are of the latest fashion and her kids always look so squeaky clean. She is the best cook in the world and her friends and husband will attest to that. My friend’s phone call was shocking to say the least. Apparently, her darling husband, who she had spent so much time and energy being super woman to, had been caught having an affair with another woman. His reason being of course, that my friend never had “time” for him. I guess my super friend was not that super after all.

So what am I trying to say, you may ask? Well, the simple truth is that we cannot do it all. Men will expect us to, but we just can’t. We are not super women.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Andrew don check out!

The meaning of youth around the world and some parts of Nigeria: Young persons, collectively or a young person; especially, a young man or the quality or state of being young; youthfulness; juvenility or the part of life that succeeds to childhood; the period of existence preceding maturity or age; the whole early part of life, from childhood, sometimes, from infancy, to manhood.

The meaning of youth in Warri: Hooligan, vagabond, troublemaker, thug, ruffian, brute and any other negative term you wish to apply.

I am upset, no; let me make it very clear, I am extremely distressed that the youths in Delta state, especially Warri think it’s necessary to disturb our peace of minds and jobs with unnecessary violence. I have often said that my teenage years were plagued with the constant curfews, violence and military presence. I thought that was bad enough, I do not want to know what the children born in 2000 have to say about their childhood. Perhaps whilst children in other parts of Nigeria can boast of playing football until dark or playing hide and seek in their neighborhoods, the child of Warri will boast of military sand bags and the sound of local guns in the air. That is the memory our children will have. The sad part of it all is that one never knows what they are fighting about. At least, during my time, one could always guess that it was an ethnic clash of some sort…Urhobo and Itsekiri, Ijaw and Urhobo, Itsekiri and Ijaw…or all three of them. These days, the violence seems to have no foundation…what exactly are you fighting for or against? Some say it is “politics”. That is the reason ehn? Politics? Pray, tell me the cause, so I can join in. Others say it is “deve”. I am afraid to say I have no idea what that means. Apparently, anytime some sort of development has to take place in our area, some sort of fee has to be paid to our youth. I have no idea why anybody would want to be bribed so that development would take place in an area. Is that not what we want? To be developed? Should you not welcome, with both arms wide open, anybody or company that wishes to help in development? I have no clue. I am at a loss in these matters. However, anybody that can explain to me how this fee works and why it should be paid at all, please write to me at

Meanwhile, okada users in the troubled areas are now forced to raise their hands up in the air when approaching the military. As usual, military presence is now at an all time high. I cannot wait to see the kind of games our kids will come up with, with this new found drama. So while the streets will be littered with burnt cars and bodies, the drama of the summit goes on and at this stage, I have to ask: “who cares?”

Therefore, fellow Nigerians, don’t be surprised and flabbergasted when you hear of people risking their lives crossing deserts and oceans to get to another man’s land. If this is what you have to see every day, would you stay? Abeg, safe journey Andrew, send a post card when you get there!

P.S: Effurun people! Why e be say, anytime violence dey, na una own must to pass everybody power? Haba! Sofrey, sofrey, my people, no be so oh. Na beg I dey take beg una. Meanwhile, I agree with Mrs Waziri, una don kolo finish for dis country. All of una, minus me.

Una do well.

Monday, July 7, 2008

An ugly man?

Hello my people, how una dey? We thank God. With all the serious matters these days, I say make we talk about some kind light matter wey don worry me sotey I no fit sleep for night. As we all know, Nollywood fulfils a very important role in our society. It has long taken over those crucial spots that sports and culture used to fill. We all need to escape once in a while and Nollywood can be seen as a form of therapy. It is now needed for our sanity….if not, God knows how many people will be walking around grumbling and imitating sounds of generators.

Anyway, the point is, gone are the days when children used to play ten ten and suwe….or take for example, one of my past times as a child…tree climbing. Yes, I had a mission in life and my mission was to climb every single tree in the neighborhood. I would plot and plan and conquer every single tree. Of course, this was never fully accomplished, before I knew it, I was too old to continue climbing trees and it was time for music, posters and boys. I never got too much into videos…well at that time; I don’t know if there was much you were allowed to watch apart from Sound of Music.

However, these days my friends, all children have long been indoctrinated into the wonderful world of Nollywood. We have super stars, stars that are house hold names and walk on red carpets…only in Lagos of course but still, they are popular enough for our children to recognize. Which brings me to my bone of contention. After a marathon of Nollywood videos, I have come to the conclusion that there is a conspiracy in Nollywood. Yes, my good friends, a conspiracy. The men in Nollywood videos do not have faces. I swear! Have you ever seen the face of a Nollywood actor? Mba….what you see is MONEY my dear friends. That’s what makes the male in the movies. Forget that his wife is the beautiful Genevieve or the voluptuous Mercy Johnson….do you expect a handsome man by their sides? Did I hear you say yes? Abeg, make I laugh. Handsome man ko! Handsome man ni! Wrong answer. No, you expect a rich man by their sides. So what if his belly is huge? What if his belly is in the way of the ridiculous hip hop jeans he is wearing? What if his neck is bursting with rolls under his American face cap? You think we care? The most important question in the movie is “is he the rich one?” That’s all we care about. Who cares about looks? Physical attributes? When it comes to men? You think you can actually judge a book by its cover? Not so, dear people, we judge them by their wallet. The fatter your wallet, the more appealing the big belle looks. Which brings me to the next issue.

Now, I do not care much about physical looks, I mean we are all stuck with what we have, right? There is not much we can do about it. However, if one has chosen to be a public figure, I expect to see a man with at least a healthy looking body. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger in his body building days but at least a healthy looking man. Yet, what does Nollywood give me? I cannot even begin to explain the shapes and figures. Meanwhile, many of you are constantly talking about crossing over to Hollywood…make I laugh first…una don craise? Na which part una think say una go play? Even two years no go dey enough to get una into shape! Except na houseboy or gateman part you wan act. Anyway, I really hope the men in Nollywood think about their bodies once in a while. It is not nice to flaunt such huge bellies in videos, especially when your co-actresses are in good form.

Una do well.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The mysterious Niger-Delta

I remember the first time I heard the name Niger-Delta, the first thing I asked was, ”wetin be that?”. To me, the Niger had always been that river that you saw when you crossed Onitsha Bridge and somehow the “nupe tribe” and kuli- kuli always came to mind. It took a long time for me to accept the fact that I was indeed a child of the Niger- Delta, the one they talk about on CNN, BBC, and the financial times. The one that has become almost exotic in the eyes of other Nigerians. Exotic to them because they have never crossed that bridge in Bayelsa state which advices you that the leprosy beggars that hound the bridge and your car have been “treated”, so please, do not fear. It is now exotic because militants attack oil rigs and kidnap at will. We have military presence in our land and our pidgin English has no equal.(By the way, that Zamfara state governor wey dey say make dem deploy military for dis side, dem tell una say we no get am already ehn? Military dey everywhere na! I suggest make una look for another thing to deploy because military full dis side remain! Haba! If you no believe me, oya, carry ya legs come dis side!). We have summits on a regular basis, cease-fires and other interesting tidbits to keep the rest of Nigeria and the world interested. We could be that black hole in Joseph Conrad’s heart of darkness, full of savages and illiterates spoiling for a fight. Yet, even with all the action that we produce, nothing has been done. I have asked this question before, and I will ask again, “for how long shall we wait”?

Niger Delta is an interesting place in the newspapers and television yet for the ordinary man and woman living here, it is home. It is the place where they wake up every day, and just like you, they make a living. They toil all day for a better day for their children. They go to school, they play and they sing and dance. Many of us enter the hot humid air, and all we want is to get home safely and see another day. So those that call for drastic actions, be aware that we do not live on oil rigs and eat salmon and croquettes. We do not play golf and neither do we play polo. The ordinary man is always the one to suffer when random and drastic actions are taken. The answer to the problem will never be one that can be achieved over night. As it has taken decades to create the rot that it is, so will it take decades to build and rebuild this place.

Meanwhile, I don ask all of una embassy people before, wetin una dey do ehn? Na so, dem just execute two Nigerians for Indonesia anyhow, haba! In fact, I would like to know what kind of legal help those men got before they were executed. Did they ever meet any Nigerian officials from the embassy? And if so, what help did they get? And all of una young young men dem, wey wan hustle for better life, e better make una begin farm because all those asian prisons dem, I swear! Na real ogbologbo!

P.S: To the Minister of culture, tourism and the rest, ehen, I hear say all the deaths of all these great musicians dey pain you well, well, ndo. Instead of crying, I suggest we do something worthwhile to promote arts and culture in the name of these great men. I am sure that is something they would have wanted. If you no get any idea, make you no shy, just contact me at I get idea boku remain!

Una do well.