Irreplaceable

“Waffy! You get phone call oh! Na layabout, from Abuja!”

“Hello, Layabout, where you dey?”

“Sista, I don land Abuja”

"wetin dey happen?”

"I wan become massager”

"Massager? Wetin be dat? Ah! Okay, you mean masseuse! Why now?”

“Na the new profession for Abuja. Everybody wan be massager. Dem say dat woman, wey dey share rice and ram, dem say, she don order plenty equipment for massage reach this side, so everybody here, we dey go learn massage work, so wey equipment land, she go employ us join”

“So na dat side you go stay? Good luck, no forget us for this side oh!”
“ No wahala sista, I go land for Christmas”

It is very unlikely that Layabout with his lean hungry face will be employed as a “massager”, but I did not want to spoil his day. It is good he is learning a new vocation, much better than sitting on fences and spreading idle gossip. At least all that gym and massage equipment will be fully utilized, I am certain of it. Come to think of it, that woman might just be a genius. I am almost 100% sure that she ordered all that stuff for one of the following reasons:

1) To make employment opportunities for our young people in the society. There is a serious lack of masseuses in this country. Honestly, after all the hard work our ministers, governors, senators put in, they really need all those muscles relaxed. Especially all the hard working men in the House of Representatives (don’t forget all the extra time they put in for the compulsory “choir practice” and “P.E” exercises)

2) To “beef up” our police force. Honestly! Those people need to pump themselves up. It is no wonder there is so much crime, our police men, they are so skinny, hungry looking, perhaps, that’s why she ordered those equipment? Ah! What a thoughtful woman! All our men and women of the police force will be well trained and in perfect condition, ready to chase and even “overtake” fleeing suspects.

3) To encourage the garri making women in Delta State. To make garri requires a lot of muscles, and I heard madam was especially sensitive to the plight of our women, so this kind of gesture would not have been out of the ordinary.

4) To encourage “wellness” in the House of Representatives. Heart disease and obesity is on the rise in this country, not here in Warri of course, we are all hungry, but I have seen TV, those men, their agbadas hide a lot of weight underneath. Perhaps it is their health she is concerned about? What a caring woman! You know she is a beautician? It must be heart wrenching for her to see her work mates in their present shapes. Poor woman! That’s why she ordered all that gym equipment to whip them all into shape!

5) To donate everything to schools all over the country! Imagine the joy of physical education teachers; finally, they would be able to make sports men and women out of our youth! This could be a beginning, a journey to big things, like Olympics.
Could it be that Madam is that wise? She had such noble thoughts? What a brain! Being able to see how such equipment can better this country! Oh! What glory and honor for all Nigerians!

P.S: If I may, I‘d like to suggest to our president that madam might be more fitted to be the minister of health, her talents are wasted as speaker. Just a thought, while eating your fura de nunu and all that stuff, (I personally will recommend banga soup and starch, very nutritious and contains the key nutrients required in your daily diet) you might want to think about it.

P.S.S: Imagine those Warri children! I heard them singing that Beyonce’s song Irreplaceable, and these were the lyrics they were singing, how can they spoil such a beautiful song?

To the left, to the left
Everything you own in a Ghana must go to the left
In this house, that’s our right
Yes, if I voted, madam please go
And keep talking that mess, that’s fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time?
And it’s my right as a Nigerian
Abeg, move your bags jare, let me call you okada

Standing in the house of reps, telling us
How we are such fools, talking about
How we’ll never find a woman like you?
You’re irreplaceable?

You must not know ‘bout us
You must not know ‘bout us
We could have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, she’ll be here in a minute (madam)

So come and be going jo!
Call up that salon and see if they need extra help
Ooops! I bet you thought we didn’t know
What did you think we are packing you out for?
Because you was a yahooze
Rolling around in the house that we bought you
Abeg, drop them keys
Hurry up before your okada leaves

To the left, to the left
To the left to the left

Everything you own in a Ghana must go to the left
To the left to the left
Don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable?