Friday, January 11, 2008

Welcome to Hotel Kaduna

Welcome to the hotel Kaduna,
Such a lovely place, such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel Kaduna
Anytime of the year, you can find it here…..

I can’t get that song out of my head. Ever since Layabout came back from Abuja…you all remember him don’t you? He moved to Abuja to become a masseuse during the days of Madam Etteh when being a masseuse was fashionable. Well, he has since returned. He says Abuja weather does not agree with him and he missed Banga soup too much. Anyway, he says he is now moving to Kaduna, he heard there is a prison there that is like a five star hotel. According to him, this prison has electricity, 24 hours a day, and when the electricity fails, they put on a generator. Imagine! Have you ever heard of such a thing in Nigeria? They even have cable TV! Don’t start gaping just yet; you have not heard the best part. He says if you become an inmate of the prison, it is obligatory for the prison to throw regular parties for you and your friends at least twice a week. My people! You know, I used to be very suspicious of Layabout’s yarns, I thought he was the one insane, but anything can happen in this country.

Why can’t a prison be a five star hotel? Everything in this country has no logic; cows graze on runways, highways are lakes, lakes are rubbish dumps, rubbish dumps are restaurants. Abeg, anything can be anything; our only limit is our imagination.
Our policemen/women are beggars; retired civil servants are beggars, teachers, beggars, handicapped, beggars. In fact, come to think of it, in one way or the other, we have all become beggars. Constantly begging for one thing or the other. If we are not begging for light, it is for water or some other basic amenity. Yes, I dare say, a prison being a five star hotel makes perfect sense in this insane world we live in.

However, before you all go rushing off to Kaduna, there is a small catch in the matter. Do not think stealing “bonga fish” will give you admittance in this high class establishment, na only if you hold “Gold card” for serious theft, dem go even look ya face. Well, I hope Layabout makes it this time, I wish him all the best although I cannot imagine him being successful in crime. As for me, I am left here, singing this dreadful song that will not just go away!


On a dark desert highway,
Warm smell of suya, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dimmer
I had to stop for the night

Welcome to the hotel Kaduna,
Such a lovely place, such a lovely face
They are living it up at the hotel Kaduna
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis….

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

2 comments:

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

How is that they would spend that much money on a halfway house for criminals (I don't care who they are) and people are hungry and unemployed?

Nigerian priorities always amaze me

TheAfroBeat said...

Really (sadly) funny. You're right on the money. SOmeone forwarded me the Sun article about OBJ's affair with his daughter-in-law, and instead of forwarding it onto my peers (my usual antidote for sharing my shock/horror), i just left it in my inbox, disgusted but neither shocked nor horrified. Anything is possible o, that's my theme for 2008. Extreme Good and bad are possible, it's what we make of it that makes history.

Now, quite frankly, it's unfair that such a prison exists amidst all the poverty, as catwalq points out. But really, if the inmates in kirikiri could afford to bribe their wardens to hook them up wiht DSTv, i'm sure it'd be done in a heartbeat. So it's not surprising that the rich can afford to have rich prisons. So the big problem is how we stop thievery from becoming a profitable business in nigeria. I just had a conversation with someone hoping that once our generation gets into power in a few decades, things will automatically be better. No be so o, coz we can already see the trends that this generation is beginning to act/sound like the one in power already. We hail the rich-by-all-means, and look down on poverty at all costs. Our value system is rapidly eroding and I don't know what to do about it so i'll shut up right now.

Great blog ;) ok now, i'll shut up!