10 musts for a Naija Christmas

By Waffy Waffarian

1)Christmas rice: Must we eat rice at Christmas? What is so special about Christmas rice? Is it not the same party rice we are subjected to at weddings, birthdays and every other occasion? Actually I won’t mind eba on Christmas day, hot eba and ogbono soup, please if anybody is serving this on Christmas day, invite me.

2)Church: I cannot tell you how amusing it is for me to watch the whole neighborhood dress up in their best clothes, all that heavy lace, George, Ankara, haaaaaaaa, so you mean they have been hiding all these beautiful clothes? Where did they get them from? Take for example, mama Rukevwe the road side seller, she has transformed, her usual scanty hair is now full with “Bob Marley”. I just wonder, why did she not do this all year round?

3)Village: All these village travels, the village has been there the whole year, why must everyone now rush home like there is no tomorrow? Especially with our poor roads overwhelmed with all the “EkenediliChukwu buses”…..by the way, is it true that those buses have toilets and u can watch films on board? If anybody has travelled with one of those mighty monsters, get in touch, I’d like to know.

4)Father Christmas: Our father Christmas, poor men, they have to sweat in those horrible itchy costumes and give a way plastic toys to crying children writhing in their mother’s arms as if possessed by the devil…a nice contraction don’t you think? All the kids having epileptic seizures at the sight of the man in long cotton wool beard and red horrible clothes. Of course they are scared, after watching all those Nollywood films, what do you expect? When I was a child, I thought Father Christmas was “willy willy”.

5)Christmas goat: A sign of prosperity…everybody knows who bought a goat, we can all see it, tied with a rope right beside their house….we all know who has enough money this Christmas, just one goat, and your status in the neighborhood is well taken care of for the rest of the year. Who knew an ordinary goat could play such an important role in the society? Imagine a goat, determining the “who is who” in society, quite amazing don’t you think?

6)Christmas returnees: The Americanas, the Amsterdam boys, the jand bobos, this Christmas will be hot in Warri. I heard there will be serious oppression this time around. The cars have already been rolling in; from different ports. It will not be easy. If you are single this year, Warri is the place to be, our boys are giving those Lagosians a run for their money.

7)Accidents: I do not want to destroy the Christmas spirit, but this is our own Christmas myth. Everybody thinks the forces of darkness step up their game at this time of the year. Not so my people, our roads are too bad, and with the amount of vehicles travelling to the villages, it is inevitable that there will be an increase in the number of accidents.

8)Christmas television: This is an open request to all TV stations to stop bombarding us with Jesus of Nazareth part 1-3, church services, and variety shows. Please try and be innovative this year, show something else, we have all repented; we repent every hour on the hour. There are no sinners left, except in Abuja.

9)Christmas hampers: The receiving and giving away of Christmas “hampers” with the ever present bottle of groundnut and Eva wine/ fruit juice. I do not know where this hamper business originated from, but I do not like it. All the “hampers” being given to big men. As if they need it! By the way, what did our dear boxing champions in the house of assembly get this year? I am sure they will live up to their reputation and pamper themselves with very special hampers flown in from one country or the other.

10)Christmas visitors: Whole families, parents all dressed up in matching clothes, young boys in vests, little girls in “cork shoes”. This must be my favorite part of Christmas. You never know who might show up, a neighbor, your former teacher, a former neighbor, an old class mate, an old work mate. Expect anybody; Christmas day is the official “drop-in” day!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com