WAFFY AWARDS 2008

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, to the Second annual Waffy awards where Nigerian people and places are awarded for their contributions to different areas of entertainment. Last year, we saw winners such as the House of Assembly (best comedy sequence) the Niger Delta (best action sequence) and James Ibori (best drama sequence). We also had gracious losers such as Madam Etteh and Orji Kalu.

This year‘s awards proves to be just as exciting with our new nominees.

Once again, I’d like to state that all nominees were voted by a panel of expert judges. The awards cannot be contested and all forms of complaint will not be looked into, although suggestions will be taken into consideration.

BEST ACTION SEQUENCE 2008

Nominees:
1) Jos
2) Niger Delta

And the winner is the beautiful city of Jos. They successfully snatched this award from last year’s winner, the Niger Delta. Even though the Niger Delta tried to hold on to this award with their constant kidnappings, the city of Jos took the violence to even more dangerous grounds by allowing religious and tribal factors into the matter. A cocktail of violence that even the south-south could not match up with.

BEST DRAMA SEQUENCE 2008

Nominees:
1) Yar’Adua
2) Mallam Nuhu Ribadu
3) Mallam El-Rufai
4) EFCC

All contestants in this category deserve to win this prestigious award; unfortunately, there can only be one winner. However, we shall have a roundup of all the drama surrounding each contestant. The first runner up, Mallam El-Rufai was very strong in this category. Thirty two billion naira missing, land allocations, unaccounted funds, NIPOST land, PHCN land, etc etc. The EFCC has just declared him wanted. Apparently he is now a student in the United States (Seriously!). The second runner up, our very own president, thrilled us for days with speculations about his absence. While some feared he was dead, others put him at the location of a hospital in Saudi Arabia. The country was at a standstill as we all waited for his re appearance. I have to say, it was most entertaining! The EFCC of course, needs no introduction; this institution has become a serious source of drama with their constant output of confusing facts and figures. As you can see, the decision was a tough one but our winner indeed deserves this award.

The winner is Mallam Nuhu Ribadu! Surely, this contestant deserves to be honoured for the never ending drama surrounding his person. Let us take a quick look at the recent events in his life. First, he was promoted, then he was demoted, then they sent him (by force oh!) to NIPSS, then they denied him his graduation (why dem send am there in the first place?) now, dem don dismiss am from Police force. Haba! Abeg, im win am hands down!

BEST COMEDY SEQUENCE 2008

Nominees:
1) EFCC
2) House of Assembly

There is no need to explain why the House of Assembly is a constant source of entertainment. Their useless bickering over inconsequential matters is always a source of pure comedy any day and anytime.

However, the winner this year would have to be the EFCC with their missing files! Haba! I don laugh tire for this matter. How files wan take miss? Dem get wings? Because I no wan believe say in the year 2008, una no get computer for that place. If na dat one be the problem, I take God beg una, make una use my laptop. I dash una! In fact, I volunteer to type everything. Free of charge. Missing files indeed! Abeg, make una no kill me with laughter.

As usual, the last award, COURAGE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY goes to us, the people of Nigeria, for showing courage and tenacity in the face of all the action, drama and comedy.

Happy New year to all my readers!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

12 Christmas wishes for a very Waffy Christmas!

1)There is light 24 hours in the day. Not “half current” oh, full current. Capable of carrying all appliances without destroying anything.

2)All pot holes are miraculously filled overnight. The Lagos/Benin expressway becomes a joy to behold. No craters, no pot holes and no accidents. The whole journey takes only four hours. Halleluja!

3)Midnight crusades and night church is abolished. No more noise making in the middle of the night. We can now all sleep in peace and the Lagos /Ibadan expressway is finally cleared. Amen.

4)People become disciplined, learn how to queue up and stop hustling like mad people when using public transportation.

5)All okadas now have their own lanes and their passengers now wear helmets.

6)All the mobile networks now work efficiently and you can call anybody at anytime, anywhere without getting high blood pressure.

7)In the spirit of Christmas, all armed robbers decide to take a holiday and learn how to swim, dance the salsa and play Badminton. All within the premises of Aso Rock.

8)All TV stations now show great films throughout the holiday and not only Jesus of Nazareth, Part 1-3. (NTA, please, stop using archaic graphics. Somebody please send them the memo. We are in 2008!)


9)The area boys of Lagos are having their annual Christmas conference and therefore, will be away the whole season. Praise God!

10)The Police men at the sides of the road have all become born again Christians and instead of asking for “something”, they now ask “have you received Christ into your life”?

11)The chicken sizes in Sizzlers are well proportioned (Is it me, or do they reduce the sizes of those chickens every other day?)

12)We all get a gift from the government thanking us for still being citizens of this country.

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

P.S: If una wan invite me for Christmas chicken, make una no shame, just send my invitation to waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

I am sorry I do not speak your language!

I am one of those people that have been born “tribeless”, not because I do not have a tribe but because I just happen to have been brought up in Warri where we have made our very own “waffy” tribe. You can have a Hausa first name and an Ishan surname, as far as you were born and raised in Warri, you are a Waffarian. However, if you are “originally” from Warri but have never lived here, then no, you are not qualified to be a Waffarian. If you do not know where the following places are: Agbaro, Orhuwhorun, Ovwain, Igbo market, Bendel Estate, Nana College, Jakpa junction, then please, drop that dream. You are not a Waffarian. Entering an Okada does not qualify you and neither does having a love for “banga soup”. However, if you still insist on becoming a Waffarian, then send your CV and a letter stating why you would like to become a Waffarian. The best letter would be published in this column next week. Send all letters to waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Warri is a melting pot for so many languages and traditions that it is impossible to identify yourself with just one. I have never had any friends that have been strongly rooted in any particular tribe or culture. However, there are many Nigerians that are so strongly rooted in their language and culture that the thought of another person not speaking their own language might be quite displeasing to them. I am constantly baffled why people expect me to know their values and traditions when I do not have any affinity with them. I respect all tribes equally. I do not respect one above the others. That is why at this age, the thought that I might be at a disadvantage because I am not from a particular tribe is very troubling.

I have always believed that people should be judged by the content of their character and not by the language they speak. I have had more in common with a Tiv farmer’s daughter than with a minister’s daughter in Abuja. I might have more in common with an Italian cook (we both like food) than with a Nigerian pastor (I can’t stand their hypocrisy). It all depends on your principles in life. What is important to you? Who are you?

I do not believe I should be friends with other human beings just because they speak the same language as I do. I base my friendships on character and not on language, creed or colour. Today, there are many cases of marriages gone sour because of the insistence on marrying another human being from one’s own tribe, even though the two personalities might be incompatible. In fact, I know many people that have told me that they would not be able to marry someone who does not speak their language (I sure say my waffy people no concern dat one, as far as you fit scatter pidgin English, we dey happy). This to me is quite amusing. Why limit your world when you can do so much? Why limit your world to your own language and culture? Nigeria is a country blessed with so much diversity that it is a shame that people cannot see the beauty in it. When we learn from other cultures, we enrich ours. When we speak another language, we open ourselves to a world of new stories, new proverbs, new lessons. Learning another language can never be a detriment to anybody. We should be proud of our cultural diversity. We should be willing to acknowledge and be proud of the people that take the time and effort to learn the ways of others.

No, I do not speak your language. Do not ask me “why” I do not speak your language. Your language is not the only one in Nigeria. However, I am willing to learn your language for my own sake not for yours. The question is, are YOU willing to learn MY language? (no be say I get language oh but I fit give you intensive course for pidgin English).

P.S: All those market women for Effurun wey don turn the road wey dem just build na na to bicycle lane, I take God beg una, comot all those una nonsense from that road. Haba! Dem build that road for motor, no be for una to dey sell una goods.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The Nigerian Inquisition

In the 15th century, Europe was the center of the most heinous crimes committed against humanity in the name of Christianity. People were accused, put on trial, tortured and sometimes killed. In a bid to escape the wrath of the inquisition trials, people not only incriminated themselves but were forced to accuse others as well. This created an atmosphere of fear and paranoia amongst family and friends and it was not long before all sorts of fantastic accusations were being thrown about. One of the many accusations one could come up with was to accuse another person of “witchcraft”. Of course, this was in the 15th century and so it is understandable that the minds of illiterates could go no further than this. It is therefore with great shame and disgust that I now have to write about a similar sort of “inquisition” going on in our country today. These disgusting and inhumane trials are spearheaded by Helen Ukpabio.

You see, if someone had told me she was the wife of Lucifer, chances are I would laugh and not even think twice about such an absurd statement. However, in the case of Helen Ukpabio, I sincerely believe that she has been a wife of Lucifer and continues to mate with him in his bed of evil. Helen Ukpabio is the founder of “Liberty Foundation Gospel Ministry” and author of the book, “The Seat of Satan Exposed”. According to Helen, she was betrothed to Lucifer at the young age of fourteen and was trained in “concepts of mysticism, occultism, spiritism, satanism, demonism and general cultism” (don’t ask me what “spiritism” means, I always thought it was another name for “ogogoro” and as for the difference between “occultism” and “general cultism”, I am guessing the Satanic world has its very own English language which we mere mortals cannot decipher).

I have no problems with people being wives or husbands of anybody in heaven or hell. We all make our choices in life; after all, if people are wives and girlfriends of Jesus, I see no reason why people cannot be wives or girlfriends of Lucifer. Na dem sabi. Everybody with im own, wetin concern bicycle with filling station?
It only becomes my concern when people decide to attack the weak and innocent for their own devious and egoistic purposes. When anybody attacks a child, it becomes my concern and it should become your concern too. When a grown adult decides to attack children that cannot defend themselves then it becomes the place of other adults in the society to defend the children.

The “Liberty message”, according to its website, concentrates on expository series on witchcraft, false religion, marine spirit, demonology, deliverance, renunciation, first born male and curses/reversal(once again, do not attempt to find the meanings of these words in your dictionary, you have to have the “Modern Satanic Dictionary”). It is very clear, that whilst other churches are focusing on the “word of God” and a message of love, peace and happiness, Helen Ukpabio has decided to focus on delivering human beings from the hands of Satan.

Once again, I really have no problem with Helen practicing her deliverance skills on other human beings. If those human beings are adults and with their own two legs, decide to seek her out to know their “witchcraft status” (people wey never do A.I.D.S test oh meanwhile dem don do witchcraft test), that is their business. However, Helen does not only deliver adults. Instead, she has decided to concentrate also on the small and helpless in the society. Children who cannot defend themselves. Many of them do not even understand what is happening. Many of them still babies….these are the people that Helen has decided to practice her deliverance skills on.

In Akwa Ibom State today, there are hundreds of children being tortured, starved, beaten and separated from their families, all because Helen Ukpabio has labeled them as witches. Why is it the little children that are always the witches in every family? It is easy to pick a baby as a witch. A baby has no voice, a baby cannot defend itself, a baby is just… a baby.

I dare Helen Ukpabio to fight with demons her own size. I dare her to cast the demon out of me. Come and deliver me, please. Out of two of us, we go see who go cast demon comot from who. Helen Ukpabio should stop pretending she was ever delivered. It is obvious she is still very much the wife of Lucifer and is zealously doing his work here on earth.

I implore the Nigerian government, the governor of Akwa Ibom state and all sane citizens of this nation to stand up for the rights of these children. We must become the voice that they do not have and tell Helen Ukpabio to go and pick on demons her own size. I am sure since she is such a demon expert there must be many more adult demons that would keep her busy ministry occupied. Leave the children alone!

P.S: Congratulations to Comrade Oshiomhole! Yes we MUST!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Do you dare to be part of history?

A young writer friend of mine convinced me to stay up all night last Tuesday. I have never been a fan of American politics, especially since the unfortunate war in Iraq and the election of George Bush. I thought they had all gone nuts, like the rest of the world. However, my friend looked me dead in the eye and asked “do you not want to be part of history?” A question that needed no answer. I stayed up all night, congratulating my friend, as though it was he who was winning, as though it was he who would be the next president of America.

I am thankful I stayed up to watch history made, thankful I stayed up to hear the inspiring speech Barack Obama gave. If there was anything I got from that unforgettable night, it is the irrefutable fact that there is nothing we cannot achieve with hard work, discipline and persistence. There is nobody that can stop us as a nation if only we dare to try. If only we dare to say like Obama did, “yes we can!”. There are many things to be done and we must start right now, we must start today. How long do we sit and listen to the politicians, the so called God fathers and their cronies tell us that it is “impossible?” How long do we believe the lies of the greedy and the corrupt when they tell us that we shall never be a democracy? That the power in Nigeria belongs to a group of old men who shall never die? We are more than a hundred million people and yet we believe the lies of a few corrupt old men? When they tell us we shall never make it, perhaps it is time for us too, to rise up and say “Yes we can!”

On the third of November 2008, a young woman was beaten and stripped off her clothes by the convoy of Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade. What was her crime, you might ask? Well apparently, Uzoma Okere did not move out of the road fast enough for the power hungry Admiral and his band of animals. I watched with horror at the video as this young woman was beaten in broad day light. I cried not because of the brutality of a band of cowardly men but because of the two groups of people that witnessed this incident. Those who dared to say something and those that just stood there…and did nothing.

The Navy dared to behave like animals, they dared to do whatever they liked but we the people, we are always so afraid to stand up for our rights. He who does not dare shall never win. Until the day people would stop staring like useless beings and start being active, this country will always remain in the hands of a few corrupt old men. We are more than a hundred million, and amongst us, are there no few good men left? Is there nobody that will stand up, and dare to say “yes, we can?”

I want to believe that we as a nation will one day rise up and say, with one voice, enough is enough! That we shall dare to open our mouths and let our voices be heard when we see our brothers and sisters treated like animals. That we shall dare to confront injustice and believe in ourselves. It shall take time; maybe years but with hard work, discipline and persistence, we shall get there. Most of all, we must believe in ourselves and in our own abilities. So that when another Uzoma Okere stands up for her rights, we shall not stand around like starry eyed goats but we shall join her in her fight and be part of history. Let us dare to be right, let us dare to determine the course of our own history, let us dare to be part of history.

P.S: Meanwhile, all these convoys self, me I dey wonder where dem expect person to comot go self. See our roads, the traffic, plus okadas, hawkers, beggars, the whole road full remain. Sometimes I dey wonder whether dem think say person car get wings wey go just begin flap dey go. Haba! If una wan make people dey clear road for una, ehen, make una build big big roads dem, in fact make una build special lane self, only for una convoy. And no be say na better thing una dey go do oh. E fit be say na hunger be dey waya the man. I thank God say na swamp I dey stay, na me and mosquito dey share water.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The infertile man

I was reading my weekly newspapers last week on the internet when I came across an article titled “The way out of barrenness” written by Pastor Johnson Omomadia in the Vanguard, Nigeria, 24 October 2008. I read the article with great amusement and I have decided to compliment some of the missing facts in Pastor’s Omomadia’s well researched article on “barrenness”.

In his article, Pastor Johnson says that “To be barren means unfruitful, sterile, childless, deserted, uncultivated, dryness and something or someone that does not produce after its/his kind”. I therefore assumed that Pastor Johnson was referring to both men and women since both sexes can be affected by such a condition. He however only gives us examples of women in the Bible who were barren and warns us that is “forbidden” to be barren. At that point, I was filled with fear for all women with infertility problems all over Nigeria. What on earth were they now supposed to do? I imagined women committing suicides all over the country…I mean if it is “forbidden”, then what other choice do they have?

However, he does not suggest that infertile women start committing suicides all over the country, instead he tells us that “intercession brings fruitfulness” (with God that is) and then proceeds to advertise his bank account number at the end of his article where “financial seeds” can be planted and I am guessing his intercession with God will then work its miracles.

I would like to point out a few points the good pastor missed in his article. If infertility in women is forbidden in his version of the Bible, then I suppose infertility in men must be forbidden as well. Men can also can be “dry”, “uncultivated”, “and deserted”. If a man is impotent, then I am sure he is also “unfruitful”, “sterile”, and “childless”. I am very sure the pastor did not attend any medical school since he forgot to state the different factors that might cause a man to be unable to produce children. Just in case our pastor decides to immerse himself further into the world of “barrenness”, let me give him some common causes of male infertility. Disorders of the sperm numbers, shapes or movement are quite common. Testicular injuries or diseases, genetic disorders, hormonal problems, etc. There are many causes of male infertility that I am sure the pastor would like to mention next time he chooses to write about “a way out of barrenness”.

Also, should he choose to write a “part two” on the matter, it would be helpful if he can also find some examples of male infertility in the Bible, since that is where he gets his abundant knowledge of medical terms and conditions.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Who is afraid of the internet?

The internet for many young Nigerians is the place to get news, information and sometimes even knowledge. In a country whose history with the media has not always been too “cordial”, it is sometimes necessary to read news about Nigeria through online sources. Not because online sources are more reliable but sometimes online sources are able to publish stories that many Media houses in Nigeria will not touch with a ten foot pole. They are able to criticize our leaders and give honest opinions in matters concerning our country. They are also free from being “shut down” by the SSS and the Nigerian government.

In the midst of all the different sites and news agencies online, are also blogs. Blogs are online journals published by individuals on the internet. Most blogs are like diaries, with the blogger sharing his or her personal life, ideas and opinions. A blogger can decide to share his views on flowers, children, coffee… basically anything he/she wants. Some blogs focus on politics. They put up news about different political issues and share their opinions on the matter.

The numbers of Nigerian blogs dealing with political issues have slowly increased on the internet over the years. Some blogs publish only news about Nigeria while others might share their opinions or engage in lively discussions. For the young, blogs are where the debates happen. Since Nigerian Television Channels and newspapers often do not pose the hard questions to our leaders, (which is totally understandable when one considers the number of journalists that have been assassinated in this country) normal citizens have taken over and are now asking the questions that Nigerian journalists and correspondents fear to address.

Many bloggers are anonymous but there are also a few that choose to blog without any anonymity whatsoever. Jonathan Elendu is one of the many bloggers who uses his real identity online. He maintains a blog that features news and political articles about Nigeria and of course, does not blog from Nigeria. He has however been arrested or rather “invited” by the SSS on arrival to the country. I think Nigeria is certainly going backwards if the government insists on arresting citizens because of news articles published on the internet. The internet is too huge a place to wage war on.

How many more bloggers do they wish to arrest? There are thousands and thousands of people all over the world that publish stories and news about Nigeria daily. Even for an experienced blog reader, it is impossible to keep up with the number of articles being published about Nigeria. From students to pharmacists, pilots to teachers, it seems everybody has something to say about Nigeria.

For the first time in a very long time, Nigerians are actively participating in discussions about the future of our Nation. People are engaged, committed and ready to help our country in any way they can. It will be a shame if this has to end because of a few articles that the government does not approve of. There are many articles all over the internet that I do not enjoy reading. However, unlike our government, I do not have the ability to arrest anybody just because I disapprove of the kind of stories they publish. I do not have the power and I hope I never do. Power is a dangerous tool and a country that continues to use such a tool against its own citizens is heading for doom.

P.S: If una dey find me, I don enter my canoe go swamp. Tufiakwa! SSS is not my portion! E be like say e dey safer to stay with those militants them, at least I hear say them dey feed their victims well well!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Indecent dancing ke?

My people, if I tell una say I don tire for this country! Haba! Every day, new wahala, as one nonsense finish, another one go begin!

I don’t even know if I can be shocked any more with the kind of issues our government gives priority to these days. After all, let’s not forget that we still have that preposterous “indecent dressing bill” hanging over our heads. Yes, things are as usual, as senseless as it can be, our government just can’t get their priorities right. What is their latest venture you might ask? Well my dear friends, you will be sad to know that our government, with all the serious issues we have in this country, have chosen “dance” as the next art form to attack. The Kano State Censorship Board has recently arrested two artists, Rabilu Musa Danlasan, alias Dan Ibro and co-artist Lawan Kunawa, for indecent dancing! (I know oh, meself, I don laugh tire!).

According to the censorship board, “indecent dancing” is against the Kano State Censorship Law, and therefore, the two artists have to be punished for apparently polluting the citizens of Kano state with their dancing. To say the truth, I am still in shock that there is actually a law in the year 2008 that prohibits any kind of dancing at all. How on earth do they judge if a particular performance is decent or not? Is there a list of the kinds of dance that is permitted in Kano? I can imagine that shaking certain parts of the human body is definitely forbidden, but after that, what else? Okay, don’t shake “this and that”, but what if I dance “the twist”, “running man” or “break dance”? Which ones are permitted and which ones are not? What about Ballet? Is this allowed? Modern, Jazz, Tap dancing? Contemporary, Ball room, Fox trot, Waltz?

As ridiculous as it seems to arrest anybody for dancing, it is even more ridiculous to arrest somebody for dancing in a film made when the so called “censorship law” was nonexistent! Now, think people, does this make sense? Let me break it down for those that do not still get it.Imagine if you have cooked with pepper all your lives. Any pot of soup you made, you put pepper in it. Now one day, you wake up and there is a new law saying you cannot cook with pepper, so you stop putting pepper in your food. Now imagine how shocked you will be if you are suddenly arrested for a pot of soup you made two years ago!If people still do not get what the problem is, then I am afraid our education system has to be re evaluated. It just does not make sense, no matter how you look at the issue.

There have been many assertions as to why these two artists were arrested. However, I feel there is no need to even waste our time speculating “why” in this case. Let us simply tell the truth. The truth is that the Kano state censorship board is pursuing a case that is totally illogical and in my opinion, perhaps one of the most absurd things I have ever heard. In fact, I don’t know which takes the prize, “indecent dressing” or “indecent dancing" ( e be like say we dey obsessed with this “indecent” word!).

P.S: Imagine if we get these kain laws for our side! Chei! Dem for don arrest all our governors finish! Those ones wey sabi dance “indecently” anyhow! Abeg, I no fit laugh again. Meanwhile, if anybody get the films, abeg, make una try send am to me. Me self, I wan see this kain “indecent dancing” wey reach to put person for prison! Haba!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Hide and Seek in the workplace

There are many young women in Nigeria today desperate for jobs. A job can mean a roof over their heads or a medical bill for a loved one. A bag of rice for grandparents in the village or school fees for siblings. A job sometimes can be a matter of life or death. This is the situation many young women are faced with and this is the situation that many men have decided to take advantage of.

The offices of many men these days have now become a place to harass and terrorize these young women. Their desks now become the main player in this game. Women run around desks, begging as they make another circle, “please sir”, while the lecherous man says, “Come on, be a big girl”. As ridiculous as this situation sounds, as devoid of dignity as you may think it is, many old men are ready to sprint around a desk with great agility. Men that have not taken a walk in years will become athletes in a matter of seconds. You will be surprised to learn that many of these men have daughters, sisters and mothers. Many are “pillars of the society” and “elders” in churches.

For some reason, even though we see this disgusting behavior, we have chosen to turn a blind eye. Even when these young women report such situations, nobody seems to think that anything “bad” has taken place. What kind of society do we live in? What kind of society allows its daughters to be haunted like animals? What kind of society produces men that hunt like animals?

Our men it seems have become animals with no self control. They now believe that because they are “men”, they somehow now have the exclusive rights to “lack of control”. In many discussions all over Nigeria, men will tell you they are “created” that way. Somehow, while God was giving control and other honorable virtues to human beings all over the world, the Nigerian man was either sleeping or did not get the “memo”. It is time we stop fooling ourselves. The Nigerian man is no different than any other man in the world and unless you can fly or climb skyscrapers, then you are just a normal human being. Therefore, since you are just normal, then I expect you to behave like a normal human being.

Take for example, a man in the office. Your job in the office is to work and act as a professional. Your job is not to chase women around your desk. When did the office become the Nigerian man’s hunting ground? For those still wondering why nothing is being done in our country, now you know. People are playing “hide and seek” instead of working! As we dey talk for Warri, men dey carry woman matter for head pass government work.

I am tired of Nigerian men thinking that they can get away with anything. When you harass a woman in that way, it is called “sexual harassment” and you can be sued. As for the companies that turn a blind eye to this disgusting behavior by their employees, shame on you!

Finally for the men, let me tell you a secret. You can control yourself. Drink a glass of cold water and read your Bible or whatever religious scripture that suits you. If that does not help your situation, then I advise you to call your wife immediately, get on the nearest okada and hurry home. If you do not have a wife, it does not matter, get home and have a cold shower. I am told this always solves the problem.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Independent wishes

I wish all the big men over forty-five in politics would give us a break and just retire. I seriously doubt that they have anything else to contribute in this country.

I wish young people would start taking an interest in politics and do what they can to change the little they can. We cannot expect anybody to do anything if there is actually nobody.

I wish our government would one day get their priorities right instead of putting their time, energy and money into the wrong projects.

I wish people would wake up and be more active and stop pretending they’ve gone blind when they see wastage and irresponsibility.

I wish the government would use people that have the right credentials for a job instead of hiring relatives and every Tom Dick and Harry from their village.

I wish people would stop blaming the government for everything and instead start doing the little they can in their communities. If you think you can do a better job, then stand up and say so.

I wish the government would give people that come with suggestions and alternatives the chance to participate. Even if you do no not want to work, good for you, but how about giving the person that wants to, a chance?

I wish people could spend as much time and energy in their communities as they spend in their churches, mosques or shrines. If we could show just ten percent of the sort of dedication we show in religion, half of our problems would be solved.

I wish the government would solve the Niger-Delta crisis and stop this unnecessary violence and unrest in the region.

I wish the people of the Niger-Delta would do their part and hold their leaders responsible for the state of the region today.

I wish the oil companies would stop exploiting a situation that is infected with corruption, greed and bad leadership.

I wish the people would work in partnership with the oil companies to clean up the polluted regions and allow peace to reign.

I wish the young people could think of something better to do than kidnapping and sabotage.

I wish the government would give the unemployed youth a chance for a better life and future.

I wish people would stand up and protest about the light situation. How long will you continue to live in darkness?

I wish there was a ban on generators so every single citizen in Nigeria suffers the same. Let us see if the situation would not be solved.

I wish we could be more disciplined, learn to stand in queues and stop causing chaos and panic in everyday situations.

I wish the government would enforce discipline in the society and make sure people know the rules that apply in the society. If the people do not know the rules, how do you expect them to follow them?

I wish people would start getting ready for the next elections and think about the change they can bring about in the society by voting for the right people.

I wish the right people would dare to take part next time around so that people would also dare to vote for them.

I wish the government and the people would understand that we cannot come about change in this country if we do not work together. The government cannot do it alone and neither can the people but together, WE can do it.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

God’s time is the best

Sometimes it is hard to accept time and its numerous forces. I am very patient with things I know I really can not affect. For example, natural disasters such as tornadoes, floods, erosions, volcanoes (which my economics teacher taught us was needed to check “overpopulation”, without such disasters, human beings will take over the planet earth and resources will never be enough ). Those kinds of situations, yes, I do have patience because I know I cannot do anything to change it. However, there are many other things in life that we can affect. We can affect the environment we live in, we can affect the people we choose to lead us and we can affect the kind of citizens we want to be. We can choose to be active or passive in our society. We have all these choices to make in life, yet so many people choose to live their lives dragging themselves through it as if they have no voice and no stake in it.

There are many times I have seen people shrug away decisions. For every question, their answer is the inevitable “I don’t care” or “whatever” or “wetin concern me? I am a very impatient human being, I want things to happen and I want them to happen now. That is why I am often impatient with people who drag their feet. There is nothing more irritating than hearing those sounds against the floor. It is a disease in Nigeria....the dragging of slippers across the floor, people walking as if they have all the time in the world. Everybody waiting and waiting…waiting for something to happen but nobody doing anything about it.

I guess that’s why I can’t stand people that sleep a lot too. Why are you sleeping? Is there really nothing better for you to be doing? Yes, you need it for your health, but surely, twelve hours must be enough? There's a certain "decadence" that I can't really explain…men sleeping...while others are hard at work...of course people can sleep when they want to... but think about it...there is nothing uglier than arriving at a place of employment and seeing someone scrawled fast asleep on a bench or mat.

I am so sick and tired of waiting for "God's time is the best"...that's why we are all in the same mess we were yesterday. I cannot stand this "time " thing, it just keeps going and going, it never stops...how can people just sit at the side lines and watch it continue? Please don't tell me to stop and enjoy the fresh air, flowers, etc. I do that all the time, there is no one that appreciates life and death more that I do. I am a fan.

People always say "there is a time for everything", yeah, that’s why things never change right? I believe if you want things to happen in your life, you have to make a move, you have to start something, anything.

Wake up, people!

P.S: Make I use style salute one of my brothers wey get birthday. Happy birthday oh, chop my own remain. God bless you quadruple times! Amen.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

The rule of law and all that Jazz!

So, finally, this “rule of law” business has been revealed for what it is, another fraud, a fake, and a 419. Rule of law indeed! You know, I have always been suspicious of this “rule of law” business, it seemed too good be true, especially with our history of military bullies and harassment. Well, it seems I was right to be suspicious, the SSS’s decision to shut down Channels television shows that the “rule of law” is obviously just another phrase in the dictionary of our government that carries no weight. I hope we can now all stop fooling ourselves believing that our country is “democratic”. The fact that journalists were also arrested and others “invited” for interviews should make the citizens of this country very wary of our government. However, it is not only citizens of this country that are being bullied and harassed under the name of “national security”. Recently, an American journalist was arrested and ultimately deported for daring to enter the Niger Delta. It seems any news that does not paint our country in a “beautiful” light is now deemed a breach of security, treason, causing unrest, etc. Is our government that paranoid? Are things so unstable and delicate in the government? I don’t know why everybody is so nervous and jumpy. Or is it a case of “the guiltieth runneth when no man chaseth”?

Whilst I do not support the spreading of false information, yet, the use of the word “might” should not cause a country and government to go crazy with fear. I remember watching with fascination as the whole world waited for Clinton to “resign” during his trying term in office. Everybody thought he would, correspondents all over the world said he “might”.....nobody ended up getting locked up because of such speculations. In fact, our government should be thankful that our media houses are not as nosy as their western counterparts where even the President’s underwear would be subject to speculation. Does he wear boxers or white pants? T-shirts or singlets?
If only they would put as much effort into rounding up those militants as they put into the arrest of editors and journalists. Of course, journalists are easier to harass and bully, after all, their weapon of choice is nothing but a miserable pen. The government it seems is more afraid of the power of the pen than our Niger Delta militants. Speaking of our ever faithful brothers of the swamps, it seems they are determined to draw this government into a confrontation.

Funny enough, we get more news from Jomo Gbomo about what is happening down there than from our own government. This Jomo Gbomo guy seems to be very dedicated in sending out detailed information about their operations. This just goes to show that talent can be discovered even under unfortunate circumstances. Imagine if this man was in charge of information for the government, I am sure we would be informed of every last detail. What a pity! Such talent wasted on violence!

P.S:If anybody ask of me, make una tell dem say una no find me oh! Make una cast dem back from where dem dey come from! Tufiakwa! I return to sender!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

A youthful ministry

Another week has gone by, we are still alive, the president is still alive and we have a brand new ministry! Yippy! I wonder what will happen with the NDDC? Perhaps they will go into the soothsayer business? Who knows? Maybe a kind of “cash and carry” kind of service….or if they get really ambitious, one would even be able to pay online and all, really high tech. After all, they all seem to be so knowledgeable in the art of magic, portions, juju, wizards, and other funny business. Anyway, I am sure they will all find something to do, no need to worry about them, they all seem to be a very creative lot!

However, before this ministry is formed, I would like to appeal to the president not to make the same mistakes like our past president has done with this issue. The main reason why we keep failing with the Niger Delta is that we keep engaging the wrong people in the matter. Unless we have become blind and deaf in this country, it is obvious that the main participants in this boiling mess are the youths. We have to engage the youths of the Niger Delta in this ministry. We have tried to engage the elders, the older men of our society and where has it led? It has led to more problems, more bribes, more disappearing funds, more hocus-pocus! Why do we keep engaging people that have shown us time and time again that they are not capable? When are we going to learn our lesson?

The youths of the Niger Delta are the ones complaining. They are the ones kidnapping, killing and causing unrest in the region. Now is the time for them to actively help in solving all the problems they have spent many days in the swamps fighting for. Now is the time for them to actively help rebuild their society. How can this be done? Is this possible, you may ask? Yes it is! Have you not heard of the child that stole from the cupboard of goodies yet when given the job to look after this cupboard, nothing went missing? The Niger Delta is this great cupboard, full of uncountable wonderful goodies and the little child that keeps stealing from this cupboard are the youths. We need to give them back responsibility and discipline.

How can we get them excited again about their futures? How can we get them away from the lure of the machine guns and easy money? How can you instill in these lost youths, the pride of hard work, discipline and commitment? I dare say, this will be the most important job for the new ministry. I think these are questions that the president needs to answer first and foremost before giving away posts in this new ministry.

The truth of the matter is, our elders have lets us down. Time and time again, they have deceived us. How long shall we let that happen? Let us not form another ministry for the greedy and pot bellied monsters. Let us form a youthful and energetic ministry, a ministry that is capable of coming up with new ideas and ready to face the challenges of a most volatile region.
This time around, we cannot afford to fail.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

P.S: I no wan laugh, but una read that speech wey Kinigbe give for im hand over? Chei! Laugh be wan kill me…eya…well, as im talk, God’s time is the best. Everything must to end one day. I wish am good luck oh!

And that is how I met Wole Soyinka....

I swear it was a mistake. There was only one bed left...beside the old black gentleman with a laptop. The pool was empty but the beds were filled with red bodies, grilling themselves in the sun but there was one bed left.The man did not even notice me, he was busy staring at something on the grass..I thought he was asleep with his eyes open....you know how old people sleep funny. Anyway, so I was adjusting my bikini, the one I bought at some strange shop where they had nothing my size except for the bikini...all brown with some coloured dots here and there...childish I know...but it looked good on me...and my ass. Anyway, I am wondering if he is asleep when he suddenly looks up and still, I don't even know that it is him. He smiles at me, like he is giving me permission to sleep on the bed beside him...and it is then he says...

"Yes, you can stop staring, it is me"

I swear I thought he had gone nuts...maybe he thought I was a long lost grand child or something, so I just smile at him and relax on my sun bed or whatever it is called. Just at that moment, when I was finally getting comfortable on my bed, I hear...

"Would you like anything else Mr. Soyinka?"

Somebody shoot me! It is Wole Soyinka, so I sit up of course, you how you've always had so many questions for certain people? So of course, I could not miss this opportunity so I sit up and say...

"Are you going to swim later on?"

He looks at me like the lost grand daughter and says "No,I am not"

"Oh, Of course not...I understand...your hair"

"My hair?"

"Yes, I understand it must be such hard work taking care of your hair...you must always be so careful...seeing that its your trade mark...you know there's a hair style called "wole soyinka"? okay, I am not sure if there is, but I call anybody who has an afro "wole soyinka". I used to call a friend of mine that but then I realised her afro was not really like yours...it was more like Kramer's...in Seinfields...so I called her "Kramer". Anyway, but most artists want your kind of Afro...I have a friend...he looks terrible, I can't imagine why he won't cut the damn hair...he looks like a vagabond...a delinquent...he just looks terrible...and he won't cut his hair. He says he is growing his hair....he wants it to be like "wole soyinka". Imagine how many parents all over the world are going crazy over this hair business...anyway, that's not your fault....so what are you writing? Your next sequel?"

"Sequel to what?"

"Oh you know...that book, You must set forth at dawn your memoir?

"Have you read it?"

"I am sad to say I have not...I don't know, I have a peculiar habit...it’s like Chimanda's novel...Half of a yellow sun...I got it, free from a friend, did not pay a dime, guess how long it sat on my shelf? Over six months! Imagine! And it’s not like when I read it, I did not like it, no sir! quite the opposite. I did enjoy it...but I don't know...certain books...the sheer size of it...I am an impatient person, I read a book in a day...I don't have time for reading the same book two days in a row...or you know some people take weeks? even months? I could never do that...but you see, the problem is there are too many books to read...I don't want one book holding me back from reading others you know...not enough time in the world...but I will get around to reading it...it’s just why read only one book when you can read two or even three...but I will read it."

"So how long has my book been sitting on your shelf?"

"Oh, over a year now"

He goes back to staring at the grass and I look at him closely...his skin still looks good, not so much pigmentation...I wonder if he noticed my own skin...young...and smooth...if he worries about his skin at all...

"So do you use sun screen?"

"No, I don't"

"So how do you maintain it?"

"What?"

"Your hair. I bet you use those nice American products...something that ends with a "sheen" but not like our kessingsheen...something more Americanish....it must be hard though...for the other hair on your body...imagine just the hair on your head being famous...that must be hard for the rest"

"Well, it was nice to meet you...have fun swimming"

"Oh, it was nice to meet you too. I’ll try to read your book...as soon as possible"

And that is how I met Wole Soyinka.


Note: I will take it for a given that we all know that there is a Wole Soyinka in the world and that he did write a book called You Must Set Forth At Dawn, however the character in this story is a complete fiction. I have never met Wole Soyinka or any other person who bears that name.

Charity begins at home

My dear readers, I have figured it out! I have finally figured out why our country is in such a mess. Before I disclose this new found secret, I‘d like to ask, how many of you have come home from work only to find your home in disarray? Things here and there, dirty plates in the kitchen, your children running amok in dirty clothes, everything upside down. Do you remember how you felt then? Was it a feeling of annoyance, irritation, frustration, anger? (all which leads to high blood pressure of course).Now, compare that feeling to when you came home and your house was clean, all the plates washed and dried in the kitchen, your children looking clean and smart, like little angels, everything in its place. How did you feel then? I am sure you felt happy or satisfied or even grateful. It felt good to be home, right?

Now, all you have to do is imagine that Nigeria is this home you have to see every single day. The roads are full of pot holes, over flowing gutters everywhere, mountains of rubbish by the road sides (Aba, take note), the unbearable noise from the generators…even I am already frustrated just writing all this. You see, my dear people, many problems we are facing today would be solved if only we could keep this country clean. I know many people would think that this is not important at all, but once again, I ask, have you ever been able to cook food in a dirty pot?

There is nothing that can be done properly in a messy environment and that is what Nigeria is, very messy indeed. How do we even think we can sort out the issue of corruption when we cannot tackle a simple matter (which should be common sense, by the way) like environmental sanitation? The reason Nigeria is in the mess it is in, is because we think we can solve the big issues without sorting first, the obvious ones. It is obvious that this country is dirty and it is obvious that we all need to do our part in cleaning up this mess we are all in. Lets us start with the little things and this leads me to the challenge I have for my dear readers this week.

1.Always carry a small “nylon” or “paper bag” in your bag (for the men, you can have it in your briefcase, for those that do not have either; I guess you’ll just have to carry it like that). Put all remnants of your snacks in it instead of throwing out the window. Banana peels, orange peels, pure water sachets, mango seeds, gala wrappings, i.e., anything that is considered as refuse. Throw this bag in the nearest refuse bin at home or at your office. Please do not leave it by the roadsides.

2.Implore your employers to make sure that all offices have refuse bins. Even the rubber ones will do.

3.Talk to your neighbors about your environment. What can you all do collectively to make your street cleaner? I am sure there are many people that would willingly contribute something, in cash or kind to have a cleaner street.

4.For those that have children, encourage them to use the refuse bin at home and perhaps even get them to pick up papers when they see them in public places.

5.When you see someone else polluting the environment, make sure you bring his /her attention to it.

Are these small things too much for us to do? Before we begin to reach for the big goals, perhaps we can all start with the small things that we, as citizens ought to do. Nigeria is our home, let’s keep it clean.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Insults and the workplace

A good friend of mine recently narrated the most unbelievable story I have ever heard. She told me a female branch manager of one our big banks in Nigeria had asked her members of staff who had been unable to meet their monthly targets to “kneel down” as punishment. Now, that is not the part that is unbelievable because I know many people are capable of wanting to humiliate other human beings in any way they can. The part that is unbelievable is that her staff actually did it! They actually knelt down. Now, may I remind you all that this incident happened recently, in 2008. Of course I refused to believe it, “impossible” I screamed! My friend then informed me that in the world of banking, people were insulted on a daily basis. She told me that one former MD of a bank once asked his staff at MPR (monthly performance rating) if he was a married, the man said yes, asked if he had children, to which the man replied yes, he then asked his staff if when he gets home his children call him daddy or idiot.....because only an idiot can be doing so badly.

Many more horrendous stories such as these were narrated but we shall make do with these two. I doubt my readers need more examples to understand the kind of madness I am talking about. Yet, this is not particular to the banking world in Nigeria. In offices all over the country, people are being called “stupid”, “idiot”, “fool”, “useless” and other derogatory terms. In fact, I remember teachers being part of this madness. Teachers that call their students “mumu”, “olodo”, “stupid”, teachers that should know better are even a part of this social madness. However, I do not blame these human beings that believe it is their right to insult others anywhere and anytime they deem fit. I blame it on this ridiculous system of “respect your elders” that we have been initiated into as children.

As a child, I was taught to respect my elders and basically agree with whatever that “elder” said. Who are the elders? Well, basically, anybody that is older than you. That is why, as a child, you bowed your head down when an adult scolded you and told you what a stupid person you were. As long as this person was “your senior”, it was alright for you to be insulted and degraded. This degrading of yourself continued in boarding house (for those of you that did not go to boarding house, give praise and thanksgiving, your mental health is still intact) where you were basically a slave to everybody that was in a class ahead of you. Here, the insults become natural; it is a part of your life. You are “fool”, “stupid” “idiot”, and you will gladly answer to those names when you are being called. You now await your turn, when you can also enjoy calling juniors “fool”, “idiot” “stupid”. You are part of the system and the system is part of you.

However, as an adult, your “elders” are no longer those people that are older than you, but those people you call “Sir” or “Madam” (and anybody that has money). We have just replaced the “elder” tag with “Sir/Madam”, and allowed the system of insults to continue and why should it not?

I will tell you why it should not. First of all, such behavior is totally unprofessional and does not belong to the office. Anybody in such a professional setting, including the cleaners, drivers and security guards, ought to be respected and treated as a worthy human being. They are working for their money just as you are. They should be respected. In many countries, the cleaners can call the MD of a company by his first name, yes, you heard me right. In my university days, I called all my professors by their first names (it was a shock to my system, but once I got used to it, it was quite liberating) and nobody died. It is because we insist on this “Oga/Madam” nonsense that such people think it is their right to insult their subordinates.

Secondly, we are not kids anymore. Those days of bullying are long gone. We are grown men and women and we will fight for our rights.

P.S:And una mumu people wey dem go dey do like sheep anyhow, una no fit talk? Ehn? I swear, if na me, na rak we for rak that day. Kneel down indeed! Na for her head I for siddon! Nonsense and ingredience!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Letter to the president of Nigeria

Dear Sir,

I hope this letter comes to you in good health, if so, praise be to Allah. I am so sorry for disturbing you as I know you must be so busy working hard for our dear country Nigeria. However, I must bring your attention to a very solemn matter. It has come to my attention that the chairman of the NDDC, Sam Edem, is seriously ill and at this very moment, unable to perform the duties he has been elected to do. He has admitted being under the spell of one Perekabowei Ogah aka Mathew Sonoma, a juju priest (soothsayer, babalawo, marabou, wizard, etc). According to the honorable chairman, he was “hypnotized” and during this “hypnosis”, the juju man did “yahooze” on him and managed to swindle him of 800 million naira. Now, whilst the juju man has denied these allegations, claiming that the chairman had hired him for all sorts of criminal intentions, including murder, that is not my paramount concern. My concern is making sure the NDDC is functioning as it should be. I believe at the moment, this is not so. Below are my reasons:

How can anybody do his job under “hypnosis”? I have never been hypnotized before but I am sure any psychologist would confirm that such a state is not the perfect condition for anybody to be working under. Especially not somebody in charge of such an important commission.

He has already given 800 million naira of the NDDC’S money away (I am assuming this money is from the NDDC as it is impossible to believe that anybody in Nigeria has such a fantastic amount of money at his disposal).

The chairman himself has admitted to being “drained” financially, psychologically and emotionally. Pray, tell me, how is this poor man supposed to carry out his duties?

The chairman has recently been “delivered” from satanic hands. I am sure the poor man needs his rest. If he has been under such a draining spell, then I am sure the exorcism of all the demons in his body must have left him weak.

He must need time to reconcile himself with our heavenly father and hopefully be washed with the Holy Spirit. All this takes an incredible amount of energy, one which our chairman does not have at the moment since he has been so “drained”.

I hope our dear president can understand this delicate situation and hopefully, relieve the chairman of his burden. It is obvious that his present condition is very grave. Leaving the commission in the hands of Sam Edem is not only dangerous, but very careless indeed.

Yours sincerely,
Waffy Waffarian.

P.S: Here’s wishing the chairman a speedy recovery!

Resource control hat

Man to man is so unjust, children
You don't know who to trust
Your worst enemy could be your best friend
And your best friend your worst enemy…..
And who the cap fit…let them wear it…
Hypocrites and parasites
Will come up and take a bite
And if your night should turn to day
A lot of people would run away
And who the cap fit….let them wear it…
-Bob Marley

If there is anybody that is tired of hearing about Niger-Delta in the news every day, please put your hands up! Is there anybody in this country that is not yet sick and fed up with this topic? I mean, I don’t understand why we choose to suffer in this country. I swear I am going to puke the next time I hear “Niger-Delta”. I am so tired of that topic, but even more exhausting, is the topic of resource control. What exactly does that mean? Every time I hear it in the news I begin to think of some “kryptonite like” matter found in space, a really mysterious kind of material that has to be taken care of with great care lest we all turn into aliens. However, correct me if I am wrong, but it’s all about MONEY right? That’s what we are discussing in these meetings and summits? Who gets to spend the MONEY? That’s the mysterious “resource” we are all falling over ourselves to share and divide.


Now that we have made that clear, ie, resource control basically means “how to share the loot”, let’s try and define the next problem at hand. Now, is it only me, or have you all noticed that anytime we talk about “resource control”, everybody on TV is wearing a bowler hat? I am serious, next time you watch TV, count the number of bowler hats (remnants of our colonial past) you see. I have been thinking about this phenomenon, in fact, I have come to the conclusion that there must be something magical about that hat. Perhaps in order to talk about “resource control”, one has to wear it? Whatever the secret is, I must know, na by force. I am going to buy my own bowler hat and the next time there is talk of “resource control” on TV, maybe I will have a better understanding of what it is all about. Make una siddon dey look, meself, I go enter TV small time dey give my own yarns about resource control.

P.S: But if anybody there wan dash me e own hat, I no go shame to collect oh, austerity wan kill man pikin. Thanks in advance.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Overnight farmers

Every day is a blessing in this country, even crossing the street is a mission on its own. By the way, before I launch into my anguish of the week, I‘d like to bind and cast all the demons of electricity in this country. I am sure you will all join in this casting session as many people have lost so much in this country due to “no light” (I just lost an eye….but that is a story for another day). This “no light” business is causing havoc in the lives of ordinary people, but not to worry, I am sure the Chinese will soon deliver enough cheap generators for every man to be able to afford one. God bless them.

Anyway, this article is not about me and my “missing eye” situation, this article is about Nigeria and its perpetual state of outrageous affairs. Recently, the government decided to help us out with the problem of food scarcity. They decided to distribute grains (please take note that these grains are for planting) to local farmers and help solve this alarming problem. Now, some big men in this country also collected tons of grains. Now, except I am totally stupid, I have never seen an agbada wearing man plant a seed. I am sure we all remember that ridiculous picture of our former president trying to plant a tree while his agbada was being held by more than three people. That is not a sight one forgets so easily. I still have nightmares from that picture.

Anyway, my point is, unless these big men, have become farmers overnight, then there is no need for anybody to be hoarding tons of grains in their backyards or garages. Now, as usual, we shall hear all sorts of explanations, all sorts of reasons. I would personally love to hear the reasons, for pure comedy purposes of course. One never tires of the illogical stories we hear in this country. However, the one and only question that should be asked is: “Are you a farmer?”

By the way, there is nothing wrong if these big men have decided to become farmers. In fact, the exercise would do them good. All that sitting around in board meetings eating club sandwich can’t be good for the heart. However, if you are not yet a farmer and you have no wishes to trade your pen for a hoe, then I suggest that these grains should be given to the people that know how to bend their backs in the sun.
Una do well.

P.S: Dem don begin dey kidnap people for our side again oh! Ehen, and I don remind una again say Olympics dey around the corner…if una like, make una disgrace us for opening ceremony with nonsense cloth…I go close eye, wait make una pass!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Superwoman

The role of the woman in the society...if I had a penny for every time I heard that sentence, I would be a millionaire by now. I don’t know how many times as a young woman, I have had to listen to what is expected of me by my family, friends, teachers, neighbors…society. Everybody wants something from me and I cannot let them down. My parents expect me to be a good daughter, help at home, clean, cook, look after my siblings, my teachers expect me to be a good “girl student”, neat, courteous, respectful. My neighbors expect me to greet them every morning and cook a dish as well when they are sick. My friends expect me to always call, be nice, play the good girl, the one every parent loves to have as their daughter’s friend. The list goes on and on…do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that.

As a young girl, I was always overwhelmed with the feeling that no matter what I do, it would never be enough. No matter how hard I tried to make the perfect eba, it would always be too soft or too hard. I have never mastered that skill and to say the truth, at the age of nineteen, I decided that I would never accomplish the simple task of making the perfect eba. The perfect eba did not exist just as the perfect woman has never existed. I remember watching a certain neighbor as a young girl. This woman always seemed so well put together. Her hair always looked as if she just washed and set it, her clothes were always the latest fashion and her car was the sleekest. She threw the most amazing birthday parties for her kids and everybody in the neighborhood thought she was the “perfect wife”. I did too, until the day I realized that that beautiful crown of hair was….a wig. The perfect wife was practically bald underneath all that hair. I know what you are thinking, so what if she was bald? After all, majority of women these days will not be caught dead without their weave-ons and “attachments”. Well, it was remarkable to me because I never thought even for a moment, that she could not be perfect but that was not the main reason for that story. Rumour has it, that her husband on coming home early from work one day caught her asleep on the sofa, without her wig on. They say he screamed “blood of Jesus” and ran out of the house. I do not know if it was the shame of his wife not being the “perfect woman” but they got divorced soon after we never saw her again. I would have loved to convince my dear readers that “hair” could not be the reason for the divorce but unfortunately, considering the shallow world we all live in, it is my firm belief that her missing “crown of glory” was the cause of the demise of a once “perfect marriage”.

A good friend of mine phoned me the other day. She is a mother with two kids and works full time at a bank. She can often be seen at a salon during her breaks from work, her clothes are of the latest fashion and her kids always look so squeaky clean. She is the best cook in the world and her friends and husband will attest to that. My friend’s phone call was shocking to say the least. Apparently, her darling husband, who she had spent so much time and energy being super woman to, had been caught having an affair with another woman. His reason being of course, that my friend never had “time” for him. I guess my super friend was not that super after all.

So what am I trying to say, you may ask? Well, the simple truth is that we cannot do it all. Men will expect us to, but we just can’t. We are not super women.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Andrew don check out!

The meaning of youth around the world and some parts of Nigeria: Young persons, collectively or a young person; especially, a young man or the quality or state of being young; youthfulness; juvenility or the part of life that succeeds to childhood; the period of existence preceding maturity or age; the whole early part of life, from childhood, sometimes, from infancy, to manhood.

The meaning of youth in Warri: Hooligan, vagabond, troublemaker, thug, ruffian, brute and any other negative term you wish to apply.

I am upset, no; let me make it very clear, I am extremely distressed that the youths in Delta state, especially Warri think it’s necessary to disturb our peace of minds and jobs with unnecessary violence. I have often said that my teenage years were plagued with the constant curfews, violence and military presence. I thought that was bad enough, I do not want to know what the children born in 2000 have to say about their childhood. Perhaps whilst children in other parts of Nigeria can boast of playing football until dark or playing hide and seek in their neighborhoods, the child of Warri will boast of military sand bags and the sound of local guns in the air. That is the memory our children will have. The sad part of it all is that one never knows what they are fighting about. At least, during my time, one could always guess that it was an ethnic clash of some sort…Urhobo and Itsekiri, Ijaw and Urhobo, Itsekiri and Ijaw…or all three of them. These days, the violence seems to have no foundation…what exactly are you fighting for or against? Some say it is “politics”. That is the reason ehn? Politics? Pray, tell me the cause, so I can join in. Others say it is “deve”. I am afraid to say I have no idea what that means. Apparently, anytime some sort of development has to take place in our area, some sort of fee has to be paid to our youth. I have no idea why anybody would want to be bribed so that development would take place in an area. Is that not what we want? To be developed? Should you not welcome, with both arms wide open, anybody or company that wishes to help in development? I have no clue. I am at a loss in these matters. However, anybody that can explain to me how this fee works and why it should be paid at all, please write to me at waffywaffarian@yahoo.com.

Meanwhile, okada users in the troubled areas are now forced to raise their hands up in the air when approaching the military. As usual, military presence is now at an all time high. I cannot wait to see the kind of games our kids will come up with, with this new found drama. So while the streets will be littered with burnt cars and bodies, the drama of the summit goes on and at this stage, I have to ask: “who cares?”

Therefore, fellow Nigerians, don’t be surprised and flabbergasted when you hear of people risking their lives crossing deserts and oceans to get to another man’s land. If this is what you have to see every day, would you stay? Abeg, safe journey Andrew, send a post card when you get there!

P.S: Effurun people! Why e be say, anytime violence dey, na una own must to pass everybody power? Haba! Sofrey, sofrey, my people, no be so oh. Na beg I dey take beg una. Meanwhile, I agree with Mrs Waziri, una don kolo finish for dis country. All of una, minus me.

Una do well.

An ugly man?

Hello my people, how una dey? We thank God. With all the serious matters these days, I say make we talk about some kind light matter wey don worry me sotey I no fit sleep for night. As we all know, Nollywood fulfils a very important role in our society. It has long taken over those crucial spots that sports and culture used to fill. We all need to escape once in a while and Nollywood can be seen as a form of therapy. It is now needed for our sanity….if not, God knows how many people will be walking around grumbling and imitating sounds of generators.

Anyway, the point is, gone are the days when children used to play ten ten and suwe….or take for example, one of my past times as a child…tree climbing. Yes, I had a mission in life and my mission was to climb every single tree in the neighborhood. I would plot and plan and conquer every single tree. Of course, this was never fully accomplished, before I knew it, I was too old to continue climbing trees and it was time for music, posters and boys. I never got too much into videos…well at that time; I don’t know if there was much you were allowed to watch apart from Sound of Music.

However, these days my friends, all children have long been indoctrinated into the wonderful world of Nollywood. We have super stars, stars that are house hold names and walk on red carpets…only in Lagos of course but still, they are popular enough for our children to recognize. Which brings me to my bone of contention. After a marathon of Nollywood videos, I have come to the conclusion that there is a conspiracy in Nollywood. Yes, my good friends, a conspiracy. The men in Nollywood videos do not have faces. I swear! Have you ever seen the face of a Nollywood actor? Mba….what you see is MONEY my dear friends. That’s what makes the male in the movies. Forget that his wife is the beautiful Genevieve or the voluptuous Mercy Johnson….do you expect a handsome man by their sides? Did I hear you say yes? Abeg, make I laugh. Handsome man ko! Handsome man ni! Wrong answer. No, you expect a rich man by their sides. So what if his belly is huge? What if his belly is in the way of the ridiculous hip hop jeans he is wearing? What if his neck is bursting with rolls under his American face cap? You think we care? The most important question in the movie is “is he the rich one?” That’s all we care about. Who cares about looks? Physical attributes? When it comes to men? You think you can actually judge a book by its cover? Not so, dear people, we judge them by their wallet. The fatter your wallet, the more appealing the big belle looks. Which brings me to the next issue.

Now, I do not care much about physical looks, I mean we are all stuck with what we have, right? There is not much we can do about it. However, if one has chosen to be a public figure, I expect to see a man with at least a healthy looking body. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger in his body building days but at least a healthy looking man. Yet, what does Nollywood give me? I cannot even begin to explain the shapes and figures. Meanwhile, many of you are constantly talking about crossing over to Hollywood…make I laugh first…una don craise? Na which part una think say una go play? Even two years no go dey enough to get una into shape! Except na houseboy or gateman part you wan act. Anyway, I really hope the men in Nollywood think about their bodies once in a while. It is not nice to flaunt such huge bellies in videos, especially when your co-actresses are in good form.

Una do well.

The mysterious Niger-Delta

I remember the first time I heard the name Niger-Delta, the first thing I asked was, ”wetin be that?”. To me, the Niger had always been that river that you saw when you crossed Onitsha Bridge and somehow the “nupe tribe” and kuli- kuli always came to mind. It took a long time for me to accept the fact that I was indeed a child of the Niger- Delta, the one they talk about on CNN, BBC, and the financial times. The one that has become almost exotic in the eyes of other Nigerians. Exotic to them because they have never crossed that bridge in Bayelsa state which advices you that the leprosy beggars that hound the bridge and your car have been “treated”, so please, do not fear. It is now exotic because militants attack oil rigs and kidnap at will. We have military presence in our land and our pidgin English has no equal.(By the way, that Zamfara state governor wey dey say make dem deploy military for dis side, dem tell una say we no get am already ehn? Military dey everywhere na! I suggest make una look for another thing to deploy because military full dis side remain! Haba! If you no believe me, oya, carry ya legs come dis side!). We have summits on a regular basis, cease-fires and other interesting tidbits to keep the rest of Nigeria and the world interested. We could be that black hole in Joseph Conrad’s heart of darkness, full of savages and illiterates spoiling for a fight. Yet, even with all the action that we produce, nothing has been done. I have asked this question before, and I will ask again, “for how long shall we wait”?

Niger Delta is an interesting place in the newspapers and television yet for the ordinary man and woman living here, it is home. It is the place where they wake up every day, and just like you, they make a living. They toil all day for a better day for their children. They go to school, they play and they sing and dance. Many of us enter the hot humid air, and all we want is to get home safely and see another day. So those that call for drastic actions, be aware that we do not live on oil rigs and eat salmon and croquettes. We do not play golf and neither do we play polo. The ordinary man is always the one to suffer when random and drastic actions are taken. The answer to the problem will never be one that can be achieved over night. As it has taken decades to create the rot that it is, so will it take decades to build and rebuild this place.

Meanwhile, I don ask all of una embassy people before, wetin una dey do ehn? Na so, dem just execute two Nigerians for Indonesia anyhow, haba! In fact, I would like to know what kind of legal help those men got before they were executed. Did they ever meet any Nigerian officials from the embassy? And if so, what help did they get? And all of una young young men dem, wey wan hustle for better life, e better make una begin farm because all those asian prisons dem, I swear! Na real ogbologbo!

P.S: To the Minister of culture, tourism and the rest, ehen, I hear say all the deaths of all these great musicians dey pain you well, well, ndo. Instead of crying, I suggest we do something worthwhile to promote arts and culture in the name of these great men. I am sure that is something they would have wanted. If you no get any idea, make you no shy, just contact me at waffywaffarian@yahoo.com I get idea boku remain!

Una do well.

The nameless

A few months ago, I was sitting at the local airport in Ikeja when this was announced over their public system. “Would Driver company name please report to the front desk”. Driver “company name” apparently had no surname; he now bore the name of the company he worked for. I found it all very amusing that even the woman announcing this, had actually agreed to address another human being like that. However, I was the only one laughing. Everybody else seemed to think that it was very normal for a driver‘s surname to be the name of a company. I asked the gentleman sitting next to me, if he did not find it amusing that a man’s name was “driver” and his surname a company name. I mean, think about all the drivers that now bear “Julius Berger ” as their surname or “MTN”...the worst surname would have to be “NEPA”! Anyway,(before I digress into a rant about the hopeless state of electricity in this country) as I tried to explain why I found the whole thing amusing, the lady sitting next to me jumped right in the conversation and asked “why should I know his surname?”. In fact, she was very upset that I would even dare to suggest such a thing! Preposterous! She said her driver had been driving her for more than two years now and she had no idea what his surname is. She defended her reason by adding that the driver did not know hers either…..which I very much doubt. If there is anything drivers are very familiar with, it is the names of their passengers. Imagine how many times you have sent them to deliver useless messages to friends and relatives. Imagine how many times you have sent them to the market, the pharmacy, tailor and other little errands that have nothing to do with his main job, which is actually driving. So, please believe that your driver knows your name very well and has probably cursed you a couple of times too! For a man in whose hands you put your life every day, it is preposterous that you do not know his name, family name and where he lives.

Anyway, the conversation with these two people got me thinking about how many people I see every day, talk to them every day, yet I do not know their names. The first person I would have to apologize for never asking her name would have to be “acara woman”. For years as a child, I bought acara from this woman. I played with her baby every morning as she fried acara, we had conversations about the weather, my family, her family, my health, her health and I never knew her name. Next would have to be “sweet woman”, which is very depressing to me because this woman knows the names of all my siblings, asks about every single one of them every time she sees me and even a grown woman like me still gets free sweets when I pass by. The third apology would have to be the “shoe boy”. “Shoe boy” is a shoemaker and stops by every Saturday to collect all those worn out soles of mine. I never have conversations with “shoe boy” but his presence in my life is very important. The fourth apology I will just have to give “newspaper boy”, who tells me the gist of all the newspapers, reads my column and sometimes suggest topics I should write about.

Now that I have started this countdown, I realize they are too many people that have been important in my life in such small ways that I never knew their name. A grown woman shouting “swimming pool uncle” across the street to a man who made me believe that I could be an Olympic champion, the best swimmer, I could do anything if I set my mind to it, is very embarrassing indeed. (By the way, God go punish all of una former Bendel state sports people wey go destroy all those better better swimming scholarship program those days, who know? I for be champion self, maybe na me for represent una for Beijing now? Shebi una see una selves?).

Well, what is done in this case, can be undone. I will have to introduce myself properly and they would have to do the same. They are human beings as we all are, no less important in life, yet every day we humiliate them by calling them the names of jobs which funny enough, we could never do without. We call them “house girl”, “driver”, “gardener”, “cook” like these names are their identities. They are not; these are just the jobs they perform (which many have no choice to but to do, by the way). They are fathers, mothers, daughters, cousins, somebody’s best friend, a Christian, a Muslim….. They are much more than we would ever know…… because we never ask.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

On the way to.....

In every nook and cranny, there is a church or mosque ready to save our souls and prepare us for our final destination, heaven. We go to these churches/mosques and worship with men and women who we assume are people of God. We donate our hard earned money, pay tithes and only God knows the amount of time and energy the faithful dedicate to their churches, pastors, mosques and imams. It is therefore a shame when these men and women in whom so much is trusted, betray their members. Recently, I read the most disgusting story about a pastor who was arrested. The man was in possession of a couple of human heads which he was preparing for members of his church. According to him, he is not only a pastor but a native doctor as well. Now, my question to my fellow countrymen is thus: For how long are we all going to fool ourselves?

It is no secret that a lot of people consult native doctors, herbalists, spiritualists, etc in this country. In fact, it is the norm of the day. There is always someone who knows someone. Even in the confines of the church, there is always someone coming from somewhere and going somewhere. We all know this; it is no secret in our society. That is why it is very illogical for those who believe in whatever they believe in to continue fooling themselves in churches or mosques. There is no rule stating that we all must be Christians or Muslims, in fact, such a rule can never exist in a country where people are still dying “under mysterious” circumstances. Until we can admit to ourselves that a good number of the population are NOT Christians or Muslims, we will continue to discover human heads and different organs in peoples’ houses…including the houses of pastors. It is only then that we will be able to curb these insane acts. I would also like every single human being in a spiritual position to be investigated. Yes, that’s right. All pastors, priests, imams…in fact, if you are in any sort of position in any religious activity, (Sunday school self dey among) you should be investigated. Let us sort the wheat from the chaff…or however that saying goes.
However, I realize that such a task will be too much for our already worn out government. That is why I appeal to all good citizens of this country to embark on a thorough investigation of their spiritual leaders. It is your right to know who your leader is and where he/she is leading you to.
Make e no be say dem dey carry una go hell and una no know oh!

P.S: Just to remind una say Olympics dey around the corner because I know small time na, una go begin complain say no money to transport our people, this, that, one thing do one thing. Me, I no wan hear any long tory oh. I don buy my green white green flag, make shirt self, so make una make sure all our better sports men and women dey ready oh! I don remind una, because this sports ministry una fit disgrace human being sometimes.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Growing old with grace

My people, how una dey? As far as una still dey alive, we thank God. I have been feeling so uninspired lately. Everytime I read something about Africa, it is always so depressing. These days, I avoid anything that has to do with Zimbabwe. Is it me, or has that old man gone nuts? I find it amusing that such an old man can have a hold over a whole country… he must be very strong…I wonder what he is eating because the eba I eat in this country definitely does not give me that kind of strength. One would think that an old man like that should be on a farm somewhere, sleeping under a shade with goats nearby… or chickens. Imagine how nice it would be for him, to enjoy his final years with his family. He could even take up fishing or perhaps a more sophisticated sport like golf? He could play golf all day…or maybe he would rather travel? Yes, that would be so nice, he could see all the wonders of the world, wine and dine and maybe even go on a spiritual journey? But no, mba. Instead, he is there busy complicating life for himself and others. Why can’t we as human beings just make life easier for ourselves? Look at the mess he has got himself and his country in, now. Very depressing because there are so many things he could have been doing instead of causing mayhem and distress. How sad!

It is not every day you see power make a fool of a human being. Most times, power makes them strong, mighty, wealthy or even dangerous…so this is a rare occasion indeed, we have the combination of all that with the inclusion of the person being made a fool as well. It is really depressing and leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. However, let this be a warning to all power hungry people. Sooner or later, your greed will not only destroy you but those around you as well. So whilst you are bribing and threatening and God knows what else you people do behind the scenes, please remember that there is nothing more pathetic than a human being that has lost all sense of pride and dignity.

I therefore appeal to all men and women in seats of power in this country to be wise enough so as to be able to determine when their time has come for retirement. If you have any doubts as to when your time is near, I would say start looking for a retirement home once you reach the age of fifty. In fact, considering the life expectancy age in this country, (46 years for men and 47 for women, and no be me talk am oh, na UN, so make una go fight them if una no gree) I would suggest that one should start planning as soon as possible.

Ehen, I don tell una. Because me I no wan hear say una begin kolo because of old age oh! Una do well.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Please, let our culture be!

Let the music play!

There was a time in Nigeria when I thought “life can’t be better than this”…..I call it the “Clarus and Giringory years”, the years when N.T. A was the only station on T.V. I remember watching so many interviews with Nigerian artists. Not only did we get to see our favorite artists talk about themselves and their music, but sometimes, they gave live concerts too!

There is so much in the music of those years that ties me to people, places…those were great times for me and a huge part of my childhood. I have never been worried about losing any of that because I have always believed that the music will always be there, it will live forever in the archives of N.T.A. How wrong I was!

Recently, I asked a couple of my friends where one could get film footages of our great musicians, possibly interviews and appearances on television. To my surprise and disgust, I was told that N.T.A had “wiped” most of the tapes….whatever that means. In lay man’s terms, we simply do not have recordings of our own artists that have been part of so much in this country. If you want to find film footages of our best musicians, please turn to BBC, even the French would have more to offer you than N.T. A. This is perhaps not surprising in this country, who cares right? Why should we care about our own heritage and culture? Why should we preserve history for our children? After all, we’ll all be long gone to accept any accountability. It is a shame and to say the truth, pure laziness. If we continue at the pace we are going, so much beauty will be lost to our children.

What kind of nation do we want to be? Nigeria is failing new generations of its children by continuing to destroy all traces of cultural productions in the country. However, let me not scare you all, I am sure we will always have “Nollywood”, those low budget movies that continue to subject Nigerians with archaic views on religion and marriage. Nollywood story for Marriage: Man and woman fall in love, get married and enjoy peace until the beautiful and young seductress (probably a friend of the wife) lures the good husband from his home. Husband sends wife packing, while younger woman enters house. Now, the only choice wife has, is to turn to the church for serious fasting and prayers. Somehow, husband comes to his senses (probably because the juju has now been cast into the deepest hole or whatever) and comes back crying to wife. Wife accepts husband back, and returns to her rightful place as madam of the comfortable home she was living in. We thank God.

Now that is what our children are watching. That is the kind of “culture” we are giving them and have no fear of it ever being “wiped” out because we have enough pirated copies to last us a life time.

I hope there are enough people in this country that understand the need for documenting our cultural heritage. It is a challenge to us, and one that we must rise up to.

We will never forget those that have left so much beauty behind them.

Rest in peace,

Sonny Okosuns
Steve Rhodes

Your music lives on.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

Making sense of no sense

This week so many things have happened in our world, South-Africans who for years, I believed to be the most tolerant people on earth…have lost it. The Chinese are still trying to find survivors in the devastating earth quake and Yar’Adua gave an interview in the financial times London (chei! the thing pain me oh, me wey get plenty questions boku to ask, na those oyibo people na im you go grant interview? Haba!) which I read and laughed hard of course. Any other reaction from the cynic in me would have been false but first, let me talk about the South-Africans.

If there is any child that grew up following world events without the miracle of having cable TV, I guess I was one of them. For all their faults, Delta TV could at least arouse your curiosity for world events by flinging in one or two details in their often dry international news. The story of Nelson Mandela I followed closely after watching a documentary on television. After that, came a fascination with the man and his people. I listened to anything about South Africa, sang along with Majek Fashek’s “Free Mandela”, cried watching the film “Cry freedom” and danced like a possessed child to the musical “Sarafina”. I did all that with the firm belief that a country that produced a man as great as Nelson Mandela must be the most tolerant in the whole world.

The events of the past weeks have proved that there is no country that is safe from the wrath of the poor man. The poor people are angry, angry at their government and perhaps the world at large, for abandoning them in a continuous and hopeless state of poverty and misery. A country where the spread of A.I.D.S continue to devastate the population, a country that is synonymous with crime….yet, we are all surprised. We see the images of burning houses and violence and cringe...”not the home of Mandela!”…we are horrified. Oh, lest I forget, was it not the same look of surprise we had on our faces when the Kenyan situation came up? And not too many years ago, we had the same look on our faces about Zimbabwe, right? Right!
Let us not fool ourselves anymore in this world, poverty is real and it will drive people to commit the most inhumane acts. These acts, as bizarre as they might seem, did not happen overnight just as the refugees from Zimbabwe did not appear over night in the slums. Yes, let us all point our fingers to the source of the beginning of the problem…the problem of Zimbabwe…is anybody taking notes? Can anybody help the people of Zimbabwe? First driven from their homeland, they are now being burned and persecuted, yet; this is not a problem of the government of South Africa. It is the problem of Africa and what are we doing? Nothing, as usual.

That is why the interview given by our dear president was amusing. According to our dear president, he has been “planning”. Is it that we do not understand that time is running out? Even with the kidnappings of people in the Niger Delta, the violence and killings and now….a food crisis! A bag of rice has tripled this week…and we still have time? We are still folding our hands and waiting for what to happen? We think the frustrations of the South Africans are different? Why then, are people being kidnapped in this country? What have the innocent done to their captives? So many questions and unfortunately not enough time to answer them all. One thing is for sure though; we are running out of time. Let something be done or else, the wrath of the poor man will continue and who knows who the victims will be next time? Today, it’s the foreigner, tomorrow it might be you or me.

P.S: I bow for all these our governors sha, so if na to spend money for burial, dat one una sabi, but to fix road, na another thing. Na wah oh!

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com

A day at the bank

As a child, I had the opportunity of going to the bank with my father or mother on various occasions to either deposit a check, or cash one or do whatever they used to do those days. Those were the days before ATM machines appeared in Nigeria. The days when everybody knew your name and everybody chit chatted while standing on the queue. Everybody in the bank was “aunty” or “uncle”, they all appeared to be older and most of them always wore glasses. That is what I can remember.

As an adult, I am not so fond of official buildings. In fact, I try to avoid doing anything that cannot be done over the internet. I avoid anything that has to do with papers, signatures and false smiles….all that hand shaking and nodding of heads…nope, banks are nothing more than a pesky necessity in my life. Anyway, so I was at a certain Bank on a hot afternoon in Lagos a couple of weeks ago. My reason for being in that bank was purely out of curiosity and not necessity. I wanted to see how much the Nigerian bank had evolved…okay, I’ll admit it, I wanted to really understand what that door was all about….you know, the two glasslike oval shaped thingy you step in before you go into the bank? Yes, I wanted to know what its function was. I am sorry, I did not find out anything substantial. I am told it is for security purposes …so let us leave it like that.

Anyway, so the first thing you notice in any bank would be the beautiful young boys and girls working there. I am telling you, I have never seen anything like this; they are all dressed up in all sorts of suits…so I am guessing having a suit is compulsory for working in a Nigerian Bank. Trouser suit, skirt suit, three quarters suit, etc. Please forgive me if I do not get the right names for the “suit fashion”. Anyway, so I am in the bank and there is a certain sound that keeps reoccurring in my ear….I almost went mad trying to figure out why that sound kept hitting my delicate ears from all angles….well….I don’t know how you all do it, but the sound of high heels and “cork shoes” on the floors was really quite disturbing. Everywhere you turned, there was that sound. Sometimes it came from men as well. I swear. You know mens’ shoes now have heels on them? I am not joking, the next time you see a male banker, check out his shoes, there is a certain kind of flat heel they all wear. So, I am standing at a corner, patiently waiting for my friend who has to conduct business with these suit clad beautiful human beings. There is a line of people waiting patiently to do their business and of course the other set of “who know who” people who are not getting on the line. Some stroll with great confidence to their “contacts” who beam at them under an array of “yes sir”, “how are you madam” “good to see you again”, etc . Then, the second thing I notice are the different people who seem to just be strolling back and forth the floors with no particular destination. I saw a young lady go back and forth five times without doing anything in particular.

Finally, the third and final observation would have to be the presence of the security men. I am not sure what kind of training these men have gone through, but I had no clue about what they were supposed to be doing. Some just hung about throwing jokes to one another, while one or two stood by the door explaining the “oh so delicate” machinery of the oval shaped doors. I have to admit that their uniforms were quite impressive, not the usual scruffy look we have come to associate Nigerian security men with…so that’s a “plus” I guess.

All in all, the biggest improvement would be the designer suits worn by the beautiful young people. They were all so radiant!

P.S: abeg, una fit try hook me up with una tailor? Thanks in advance.

waffywaffarian@yahoo.com